by Susan Shams

Created on: May 06, 2008

Ive been smoking for 3 years. I started late in life. I met a guy (my husband now) and he was a chain smoker. I didn't think that a cigarette here or there would gradually lead to a pack or more a day. To say that I was disgusted with myself would be stating it mildly. Even though I smoked, I kept this fact hidden from my family. Only my close friends and husband knew that I did. I was ashamed of the fact the entire time I was puffing away.

Last year, I had a daughter. I quit smoking for the nine months of my pregnancy, but as soon as she was born I gradually started again. I thought I could control my cravings and inevitably stop, but of course I could not. I went again from nothing to a pack or more. I used the fact of my being depressed for staying at home as my leeway for smoking. I only smoked outside in our enclosed back porch, but it became a horrid habit. I would smoke 3-4 cigarettes at a time, and would come back inside smelling like a gross factory worker.

I would quit for several hours at a time, but I couldn't seem to get through a 24 hour cycle without my cravings getting the better of me. I would become extremely irritable and unstable, and Id tell myself it wasn't worth the effort. All I thought about, was just smoking 1 more cigarette. I would convince myself that smoking 10 cigarettes a day would not hurt. On the contrary, they kept me stable. I decided that I didn't need to quit, I would just 'cut back'.

About a month ago, I was changing a light bulb in my bathroom and I was taken aback. For several months, the lights in the bathroom were kind of dim, and I would forget to change the bulbs, eventually I got to it and was shocked to see my reflection under the cold harsh light. The face looking back at me was no longer ageless. I had always had perfect skin, and I realized that I no longer did.

My cheeks were stretched, with huge pores running from the outside of my lips to the bottom of my eyes. My nose was all red and blotchy, with enormous pores. My forehead was also red with horizontal lines in between my brow line. When I smiled, deep penetrating lines formed around my lips and would stay. I was dumbfounded and extremely depressed. What had I done to myself? I had always gotten compliments on my perfect skin, and I had singlehandedly ruined it all by myself.

I couldn't fathom what was going on. I tried to convince myself that It was my imagination. I read articles on line that did nothing buy clarify that smoking indeed is what was causing

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