by Mr. Jay L.

Created on: May 06, 2008

I've worked as a contractor for a variety of clients, who literally are our customer. In that time, I've had to deal with examples of gross incompetence, inattention to detail, blatant laziness, and sheet stupidity; the individuals responsible for these major gaffs in professional performance have frequently tried to lay their failures at the feet of us, the contractors.

I neither like nor tolerate individuals who try to shift blame. Nothing is more annoying than an annoying or rude customer, except having to smile and treat them politely while they verbally rip into you. I have worked with the public for a great deal of time, and though I have, for the most part, maintained my professionalism and kept my mouth shut, sometimes I have released the safety on my lips and let them have it with both barrels.

Therefore, I submit a list of ten things I have actually said to rude customers.

1) "You know, I've had people try to shoot me or blow me up. You are nothing more than an annoyance. Please, go away."

2) After listening to a customer rant and rave for five minutes, using every expletive in the book and questioning my paternity, I said the following: "The eloquent loquacity of your diatribe is stultifying in its banality." The customer blinked in confusion, shut his mouth, and went away. I saw him later looking up the words in an on-line dictionary.

3) "You know, I've met senators, congressmen, foreign diplomats, and worked with high-ranking members of our own military - basically, people who could end the world as we know it with the swipe of a pen or the push of a button. Who are you? Just some mid-level manager in a company I never heard of before getting hired."

4) "Oh, I heard you alright. I'm just ignoring you."

5) "You call those instructions? I can get better directions from a bowl of Alphabet Soup."

6) "Sir, the only person that ever got to speak to me that way was my ex-wife. There's a reason she's my ex-wife."

7) "I've heard this rant four times in three days. Frankly, you're beginning to bore the snot out of me."

8) "People more powerful than you thought they could speak to me the way you are. Be advised, they aren't here anymore, but I am."

9) "Wow, you really are laboring under delusions of adequacy, aren't you?"

10) "I'm done listening to you. Go away."

Surprisingly, I've not once been fired for saying any one of these delightful little retorts. In fact, I usually get an apology, and shortly thereafter the difference of opinion is resolved favorably for both parties.

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