by Brian Jeffiers

Created on: May 06, 2008

I've heard about people trying to do a lot of things while they are roaring drunk. There are the basics, like walking and talking, and then there are the comical, like singing. Then there's the truly pitiful, like performing CPR. More on that in a minute.

But there's something about writing that makes it seem unlikely that a drunk would try it. For one, most of the things a drunk will try to do are in two broad categories: Necessary Biological Activities and Fun Things That Require Little Skill or Concentration.

Take the Necessary Biological Activities, for one. No matter what other body systems you may screw up with booze, your bladder takes it pretty well in stride. When it comes time to pee, you will pee, regardless of your location, accompaniment, or level of garment preparation. We can also consider romantic interludes in this category, along with walking home and inserting your house key into the doorbell switch.

As for the fun stuff, well, isn't that what karaoke is for? The Center for Bogus Statistics notes that 68% of those singing their first karaoke song of the night are drunk, with the number rising to 87% by the second song. The total is near 100% when the song is Gerry Rafferty's "Baker Street", and the total IS 100% when you don't count Gerry Rafferty as a karaoke singer.

Somewhere in between those two categories is CPR. Certainly, when somebody is in cardiac arrest, it's a Necessary Biological Activity, but for the person giving the CPR, it's also a Fun Thing That Requires Little Skill or Concentration.

A friend relates the story of a night on duty as a firefighter when he responded to an unconscious person call to find one thoroughly inebriated man passed out in the floor with another sobbing nearby. (In that summary alone, I have covered 80% of what drunks can be found doing, the Center advises me.)

A cop told John, "When I got here he was over here a-wallerin' and a-slobberin' on him." (That's the other 20%.)

Later in ER, the wallerer/slobberer told his now-conscious friend, "You wouldn't have made it if I hadn't done PCR on you."

But somewhere in here, this is supposed to be about writing while intoxicated. Since it doesn't fit into either category all that well, I'm really curious to see what a drunk writer would look like. Let me rephrase that, since a lot of writers are well-established as drunks. I'm really curious to watch a person attempt to write while drunk.

I'm sure it's been done. Somebody had to write the screenplay for "Ishtar", and

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