by Steven Duncan

Created on: May 06, 2008

It can be expected that a fifteen year old would make mistakes - take for instance the Flava-Flav sized peace sign I "sported" for the better part of a week in November of 1994 - But what Miley Cyrus has done is beyond comprehension, beyond imagination, beyond belief. Miley Cyrus has. . .

. . .apologized?

For all the hype over the Vanity Fair photo I fully expected some - edited -, and maybe a little - edited -, and perhaps even some - dear God, man -, but when I finally saw the photo at the center of this whole whipping dance (at the super market, on the cover of a tabloid, which I didn't even pick up or open, thank you very much, pervert) I was surprised to see. . .her back. And not even her whole back. More like a side view of part of her back. This is it? This is the photo that launched a thousand angry ships full of vitriol and, um, perhaps some other nasty things in wooden crates? Really? Jeez. Poor kid. Sure, it's a little too adult for a fifteen year old, but does it deserve all this? What gives?

Well, have a seat and let lovable furry ol' Stevie tell you what gives if I may so indulge in my own opinion. What gives is. . .nothing. Nothing gives and so America takes. Miss Cyrus is a celebrity, and celebrity watching is America's national pastime. We sit with our guide books and check off the Angelina Jolies, the Britney Spearses, the Patrick Dempseys. We make notes at the edge of the page: location, actions, attire, weather conditions, atmospheric pressure, distance above or below sea level, the grade of the street and whether or not loose gravel was present. We snap photos which are then sold to next month's guide book. And we judge.

Perhaps Miss Cyrus doesn't understand that there are two breeds of human being; the celebrity, and everyone else. Surely she realizes she is the former, but perhaps she doesn't know what this means. Celebrity, dear Miley, means you are the mutant, the evolved, the nimble, fire-throwing, rapid-healing, teleporting child going away next year to Professor Xavier's school for the gifted. Celebrity status unlocks the door to a vast array of superhuman capabilities, not the least of which is doing what one damn well pleases. This is not to say that everything is within the reach of a celebrity. One certainly cannot go about insulting Jews, or. . .well. . .insulting Jews. But a celebrity's fan-given right to self indulgence and depravity is powerful, indeed. It warps space-time. It interferes with radio signals. Worst of all it

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