by A. Best

Created on: May 06, 2008   Last Updated: August 01, 2008

So you want to hang your hair down in your eyes, huh? Is your natural do wavy or curly? Do you spend hours in the bathroom trying to comb it straight, plastering it with sticky gel? Yeah, it never works. The cheapest thing to do is not wash it for a month. But that's gross and you're not a rock star, so you can't be greasy and still land girls.

Alright, this is what you do for that coveted emo look. I know you don't live in New York City, it's somewhere in Iowa isn't it? Of course. Well, don't worry, it can be done. What you have to do is call ahead to an actual salon, like the ones in JC Penney's or Sears for instance. What you want is a relaxer and there are usually only one or two people qualified to do it. So you make an appointment.

When you get there, it's going to be embarrassing. Call in sick at school, or just be sure and do it sometime when there's only a slight chance of any of your friends seeing you. Try early morning. Get ready for the stench of old lady perfume, the air will be rife with it. Its okay, we'll get through this. When it's over you'll be able to party like never before.

The designer will apply a thick paste to your head. The paste will most likely be sodium hydroxide. It's a little unnerving at first; the concoction is going to burn your scalp. What's happening is the caustic potion attacks deep into the cortical layers of each hair shaft, therefore breaking down the curls. After five minutes, you'll be begging the hair dresser to wash it out. The grannies sitting there under those funny caps will be startled when you barrel by them, screaming towards the sink on the other side of the room.

Now the hard part's over. Your designer will wash out the harsh chemical and then lather your scorched head with a neutralizer. The neutralizer restores pH to your hair. Several rounds of shampoo and conditioner will be applied next, restoring the natural oils that the relaxer has stolen.

The procedure can cost about $100. But you got to ask yourself: what's it worth to you? You're going to need a tube of Paul Mitchell's Super Clean Sculpting gel also; this helps keep it under control after you wash it. Now you look like Kurt Cobain and the guys from Taking Back Sunday. Now you can go cut yourself with a sleek curtain of hair hiding your face from this cruel, bull crap world. Just kidding, I'm sorry.

When male pattern baldness kicks in, don't worry. Hair doesn't make you a rock star or a worthy fan. Everybody gets old, but just remember the words of Neil Young: "Rock and roll can never die."

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