My mother was 46 when she had me. Compared to others mothers she was like my granny. It didnt matter to me except i worried about was about her dying and leaving me.. I lived in fear for years i couldnt bear the thoughts of losing her. My whole lifetime we were best friends. We supported each other and when my Father died a part of her died. As He lay in his coffin in the funeral room she sat beside him stroking his hair and talking to him believing he could hear her every word. It was heartbreaking to watch but so touching. She had an pain in her heart that I couldnt help her with. Even though I was with her it was not the same as having her husband. She missed him terribly.

The day finally arrived. Death sneaked up on us so quickly, like fog rushing inland off the sea. The pain of it was indescribable. She was always unwell problems with her heart but she suddenly got sick and i just knew it was the end.. The day I dreaded all my life had arrived and I was terrifed. Paraylsed with fear and in denial.

On the wednesday morning my children knew something was not right they kissed and hugged her but got no response. My son and eldest daughter went to school. I think they did not want to believe this was happeneing and maybe if they didnt see it it wouldnt be happening and things would be normal when they came back. My youngest daughter who as just gone four didnt want to go to school and got into bed with her nanny and constantly stroked her hair and spoke softly to her saying " We should have given you a make over nanny when you are going to meet gorgie " which is what they called their grandad . My mother had talked many times to her about dying and the afterlife. She even talked to her about been cremated. she confirmed to me that my precious mother was dying. I wanted to believe it was not happening either... All the family gathered and it reminded me of the poem Seamus Heaney wrote about mother dying everyone praying and all i could think about was all the precious special moments we had together.. ones that will never leave me.. just like the ones he had in the poem.. My mind went back years thinking of the time we had when we walked to my brothers house arm in arm best friends.. We stopped and looked in the shop window and I told her what Santa was bringing me .. She smiled at me and squeezed my little hand in hers...

When her heart stopped beating and she took her last breath a part of me died. I just couldnt believe she

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