by Brandy Fee

Created on: May 05, 2008   Last Updated: April 30, 2009

"I'm a man," he shouted at me when I once again confronted him with the online pornography. Yes, I know he's a man, but am I not a woman, and even more than that, am I not his wife?<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

This battle has been fought for six years in our home, six years of fighting, six years of tears, six years of confusion - six years of pornography.

In truth, there is no easy answer to the question of pornography in a relationship, it depends on the circumstances, it depends on the relationship, it depends on the people involved.

For me and my husband it started because I worked nights. I was away from home, he satisfied his needs with the computer. At first, how could I possibly complain? He wasn't doing it when I was home, it wasn't hurting our sexual relationship. He was simply filling his alone time with photos of other women, naked women, and masturbating.

But once I stopped working nights, and was home to take care of him, the porn continued. More than that, he was now actively participating in it. I found pictures of his own naked body on the computer. I found emails he was sending to other women, and responses he was receiving.

He began staying up all night, refusing to come to bed. Or, worse, he would come to bed, have sex, wait until I fell asleep and return to his computer. He came home on his lunch break and looked at porn. He called in to work to look at porn. He was late to work due to his late nights looking at porn. He joined sites that cost him money, totaling more than three hundred dollars in one month.

Our relationship suffered. I tried to talk to him, but he was too far-gone. It had become my fault. I was too fat. I didn't satisfy him. I didn't give him enough freedom.

After two years, I left. I was done trying to compete with a computer, with fantasies. I was hurt, angry and beyond trying.

Within a week he had gotten rid of the computer, vowing that porn would never have a place in his life again, if I would just come home. I did.

He lasted all of six months before I found his pictures on the internet. When confronted, he cried. It was over, he was done, he promised.

And yet, almost four years later...

He finds pictures of women and brings them home. He finds magazines, he brings them home. He looks at porn on the computer and prints off the pictures.

How do I respond?

I am angry. I am insecure. I wonder what in the world I have done to fail him, to fail our marriage. I cry. I beg. I demand. In the end, I turn into a private investigator, looking for signs of his dishonesty. I scan the computer, go through the garage, and look through his truck.

I have no trust in him, after all, if he, knowing that I feel as though he is cheating on me, continues to do so, how do I know he isn't sleeping with someone else?

I feel guilty.

We argue. I lose weight. I try to be sweeter. I try to spice up our sex life. And when he tells me that he loves me, that he would never cheat on me, in the back of my mind, I feel as though he already is.

I threaten to leave again, reminding him that it is his broken promise that has brought us to this point, and I cry once again.

I love my husband. I hate his porn. I wait for the day that it once again replaces me, wait for the day that it becomes my fault again.

In truth, I know he is a man, and I know it turns him on to look at women. I know there are many women out there who are okay with it. I'm not. We've been down this road before. Is our marriage really worth less than a few pictures?

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