As the Democratic primary season oozes on and on like the oil slick from Hell, the weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth is reaching epic proportions. Luckily I have the remedy-at least for next time-and I hope the DNC will be in touch with me soon for advice.

We hear way too much about the rules. "They both knew the rules." "She agreed to the rules and now she wants to change them." "The rules apply to everyone." On and on it goes like a fourth grade argument over an election for class clown.

Here's the thing. If you are going to make rules for yourself, don't make dumb rules. Rules are supposed to help you meet your needs and achieve your goals. There indeed is no other reason to have rules at all. I can explain how this is done from childhood experience.

I grew up in the utter boondocks of upstate New York. There was little to do and so we built a lot of forts. One of the great joys of forts is that after they are built, you get to sit inside and make up the rules. For the first couple of forts, the decision was quick and easy: NO GIRLS ALLOWED. This met our needs for a couple of years until by perhaps the fourth fort we slightly modified the rule: NO GIRLS ALLOWED UNLESS THEY BRING CIGARETTES. This was a new rule designed to meet new needs. But by around the seventh fort, we again felt is was time for a change and so this rule went into effect: GIRLS MOST WELCOME AND WE WILL SUPPLY THE CIGARETTES FOR AFTERWARD. Again, a prime example of designing rules to achieve your goals.

Following this model, here is what needs to be done for the Democratic primaries.

1. Scrap the caucuses. They are moronic, archaic, unfair, and exclusionary. From what little information you can get, it seems some are designed to send people out on the street in the middle of the day to drag in some unemployed people and entice them to fight their way to the front of the room and shriek out somebody's name seventeen times. Replace these abominations with primaries, as perhaps a late but welcome retreat from 19th century thinking. And yes, Guam, this means you too.

2. Give the winner of each state all or the vast majority of that state's delegates. If you really insist on it, perhaps the loser could be given 10 or 15 percent of the delegates if he/she loses by less than five percentage points. But by and large make the primaries echo what happens in the general election. And remember, while it may be laudable for Democrats to try to be "fair", this has never been an obsession with the Republicans. They do however win a lot.

3. Schedule all the primaries within a time frame that allows the ridiculously expensive but exquisitely boring convention to conclude (mercifully) by mid-July at the latest.

There you have it. I am available for questions, consultations, and comments. Just leave a message because I am probably outside building a fort.

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