by Andrew Post

Created on: May 05, 2008

My house is the spiritual center of the universe for all Wyoming squirrels. It's the Squirrel Vatican, the Rodent Hagia Sophia, the Machu Picchu of the Family Sciuridae. My house is their Grand Temple, my front porch steps their altar whence they receive their divine reward at 6:30 every morning, my front yard their mosque. They make signs of obeisance to their goddess and receive blessings of food in return.

The goddess of which I speak, the chieftain of all squirrel deities, is the Nut Goddess. She, the Giver of Unshelled Peanuts, Bringer of Legumes, Harbinger of Eats, the Most Beautiful and Beneficent Liz, my mother, came from far to the West over the Mountains of Mystery one dark and freezing night many squirrel millennia ago (actually about two years). Since that day she has heaped blessing after benediction after bonbon upon her loyal, fuzzy followers. They came, tentatively at first, now boldly and eagerly, to her Temple and did worship, placing their cute little paws against their adorable little chests as though preparing to brachiate, receiving nuts in return for their boldness and piety. One squirrel in particular came not only in the mornings but at different times throughout the day (come to think of it, about five times a day, coincidentally); this Chosen One is now the Nut Goddess's High Priest, the most pious of her followers, the most favored of her worshipers, He Who Hangs Off the Gutter and Almost Gets His Head Smacked on the Front Door When Liz Opens It to Give Him His Nuts.

I am Andrew, her Divine Messenger, whose sole task is to dispense nuts amongst the faithful worshipers when the Great and Powerful Liz is busy with other matters, like the Throwing of the Ceramic Pots or the Shopping of the Groceries. I am known only to the most pious squirrels, and not well. I am not feared, but am not loved either. I cannot match the Nut Goddess's beneficence; whilst I throw but five or six peanuts out at once, Liz throws nigh half the bag. She is a most generous Lady indeed.

And where does the Most Beneficent Liz's beneficence end? Yea, it is almost limitless: she even permitteth her followers to poop upon her altar, upon the porch rail; to her it is a sign of thanks. Receiveth your nuts, ye faithful, and leaveth your droppings on my porch rail as a sign unto me of your gratitude. Lo, the Nut Goddess layeth only one provision unto her generosity: venture not near the back yard, ye faithful, for there dwell my fiercest servants, my demon guardians, Harriet and Molly, the Family Dogs. Thy flesh will they rend and thy bones will they grind should they find and catch thee thence. The backyard is right out. Cometh thee to the front porch and stoop at the front stoop, and ye shall receive. Ye shall go with full stomachs and contented pea-sized hearts to the Land Where Squirrels Are Eternally Blessed. Be comforted in the Legumes I send unto you, and be happy in the knowledge of my unconditional Love and Amusement, she sayeth unto the people. Worship me and no other Neighbor and you shall feast upon the finest Peanuts that Fleet Farm has to offer.

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