by Ron Schecker

Created on: May 04, 2008

One morning I woke up and decided to check my email before heading out for the day. Now, normally, I empty out my "bulk" inbox, since I know that more often than not, it is simply junk mail. But I decided not to....just this once...WELL.....(cue creepy eerie horror movie organ music..that morning, I was inundated with close to 1 THOUSAND emails in my junk box.

I truly thought I was seeing things....really? 1 thousand? Who in their right mind would even dare dream up this sort of nonsense..to actually ship out to some poor fella in SW Florida, all this garbage? Being the person that I am, I found it quite amusing and, after perusing some of the creative subject lines, I have decided to write this little "love note" to all those wonderful folks out there...the spammers:

Dear Mr or Mrs Whoever-You-Are-In-Podunk-Somewhere,

I don't know about you, but I have to give you a big "Thank You" for all the wonderful mail you all have been sending me. I feel like I'm some superstar with a huge fanbase or something. However, I do feel there needs to be some clarification on my part if we are to have a long-standing commitment to each other.

First, I've been going bald since I was 15, so there is no need to ask me about your new "end baldness" products. I really don't see them working, except perhaps shining up my tires like some spray-on tire shining cleaner.

Next, I really don't feel you need to keep reminding me approaching the big 4-0 by telling me about all these "great 40+-singles in my area" over...and over...and over again.

And forget all those claims of "being my own boss" or being a "UK Lottery winner". If I haven't won the lottery since I turned 18, chances are slim and none I ain't gonna anytime soon..oh and by the way..."slim" left town. As for being self-employed? If you pay me 75 a year, company car, nice house by the water and can guarantee all of this in writing, sign me up.

I am also not interested in drinking a tea that sounds like a Poke`mon character...I mean really now..would YOU drink Wu Yi? Sounds like a disorder if you ask me.

I am a peaceful person, so enough with the promises of me joining some police force. While I respect the men and women who don the uniform, my pale butt won't EVER see itself in one.

As you can see, I think you're all great, so in closing:

No more lose weight now ads, no more promises of Internet payday loans, or promises of being "already approved" for something I have yet to APPLY for..no more lawsuit money from some kidney meds, or protection from a house in California that is threatened by wildfires (!)

In fact, now that I think of it...please stop writing to me about things and promises that you will simply break. My fragile sensitive emotions cannot handle the strains anymore. I think I will go lie down on some bed that all of your letters claim are "bad" for my back, and drink some filtered tap water you all claim is "bad for my body", while eating foods that "pollute my system". Then I will go sit by the water in my car that "is harmful to the environment" while listening to music that "is damning to my soul".

Sincerely,
A tired and beaten up pale bald guy who is tired of junk

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