by Jim Crawford

Created on: May 04, 2008

THE MAIL THAT WENT UNDELIVERED

An odd news item caught my attention a while back. Seems that after a mail carrier died suddenly, US Postal Service inspectors found the carrier had been hoarding undelivered mail in his apartment for many years. It took four or five truckloads to remove it all. Curious about what was included in those stacks upon stacks of undelivered letters, I called in some favors and got copies of a few:

"Dear Jack: As you may know, I got out of that maximum-security hellhole last week, having finally finished my sentence for those ax murders. I've since learned that you gave my wife considerably more than consolation while I was gone. I'll give you until Tuesday to call and explain yourself. After that, well, let's just say I know where you live."

"Dear Roger: I've been looking back at our testimony. I must say I found your misremembered' explanation of Andy Pettitte's deposition so brilliant that I'd now be willing to say I misremembered, too. Let me know what you want me to do. If I don't hear from you by Friday I will assume you have no interest and will proceed with my plan to disclose how you injected the Yankees' batboys. Sincerely, Brian McNamee."

"Dear Sable: Thank you for contacting the SPCA. First, let me say that you write remarkably well for a cat. And yes, we do have space at the moment for one more dog, but only until Friday. I have no idea how you intend to transport your housemate Duke the 40 miles to our shelter, but I suppose that's your business. I understand your frustration with him. He is well known to us. We have in fact received complaints about his barking from many cats and dogs within two miles of your location, as well as from hummingbirds, wolves, owls, crows, and other creatures who are going hoarse trying to make themselves heard above the din. But I would urge you to first try to get him to go to counseling with you. I think Dr. Phil would be absolutely captivated by your predicament, so he might be an option. Good luck and God bless."

"Dear Mr. Smith: This is to notify you that the Planning Board has received an application for a commercial development that would abut property owned by you. The bulk of the activity from this joint venture by Pile Driver Demo's, Inc./Jackhammer Testers, Ltd./Toxic Waste Disposal, Inc. would occur within 10 feet of your residence. As provided by State Law, the Board will hold one hearing on the aforementioned application, next Wednesday at 7:00 PM. Only comments presented at the

• 1
• 2
• Next Page >>