by Dave Knechel

Created on: May 04, 2008

My brother, Sam, is two years older than me. He's always been bigger than me, too, even to this day. When I was 11 and he was 13, I said, I can't wait to be 13 so I can be big like him. Oh well. When I was 13 and he was 15, I said, I can't wait to be 15 so I can be big like him. I hadn't really changed that much. When I was 15 and he was 17, I said, I can't wait to be 17, so I can be big like him. No matter how hard I wished, it just never came true. When he was around 21, I noticed he was starting to thin out on top. All of a sudden, I didn't want to look like him anymore.

Years later, my good friend, Frank, was starting to lose it in the front. Not bad, mind you, but some people are more conscientious than others in the hair departure department than others. I had already resolved myself to the fact that it just wasn't coming back and I didn't have a self-esteem problem that warranted all that much concern. Having hair was not going to make me a better man. Better looking, maybe, but I doubt it. Anyway, Frank saw an ad in the back of Boys Life or Playboy or something that promised to grow hair and return it to your vibrant youth if you just take these 100% ALL NATURAL pills for the rest of your life for a mere $29.95 a month. GUARANTEED TO GROW HAIR! Now, mind you, this is long before there was Rogaine and 30 bucks was a lot more money than it is today. Frank had to have it. He sent in for this miracle drug he could take in the privacy of his own home, shipped in a plain brown wrapper, so his neighbors wouldn't notice he was trying to enhance a part of his anatomy. Good thing they didn't have Viagra back then.

At the same time, Sam's girlfriend decided to whip up this New Age concoction (long before there was even a New Age) of vitamins, minerals, herbs, raw eggs, yeast, curdled milk and ground up bull horns or some kind of weird recipe, to kick start his own new hair growth. It must have been of some concern over there at his household, too. He drank one faithfully, every day. Unknowingly, Frank and Sam started their rather unique and different regimens at the same time. The only common bond between them was me. They knew each other, but not all that well. I became the silent referee, so I could follow their "progression" and to see which program was more of a failure.

After several weeks of laughs, Frank said to me, "Hey, Dave, LOOK! See these little fine hairs growing here? They're new! They weren't here before I started taking those pills."

I said, "Frank. They're remnants of old hairs. They always get fine in the end, just before they disappear forever."

"@#$%*&%! These are new hairs. I should know. They weren't here a couple of weeks ago. You don't know what you're talking about!"

I think I ran into Sam the following day. "Hey, Dave, LOOK! See these little fine hairs growing here? They're new! They weren't here two weeks ago."

I said, "Sam. Those are the remnants of old hairs. They always get fine in the end, just before they disappear forever. You, of all people, should know."

"@#$%*&%! These are new hairs. They weren't here a couple of weeks ago. You don't know what you're talking about!"

OK, OK. Maybe I didn't know what I was talking about to them, but I had a few years of dealing with hair loss under my hat. I think I did know what I was talking about.

As weeks went by, they gave me the same spiel, rambling on and on about their new hair growth. I offered my support and that was it. When they brought it up, I just nodded. After a couple of months, I never heard another word from Sam or Frank about it again.

I never saw any new hairs, either. Come to think of it, those little fine hairs were gone, too.

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