by Laurie Johansen

Created on: May 03, 2008

As hard as I try not to lie, I know that I do and need too. As a mother, I teach my children not to lie and make every effort not to lie to them or in front of them. As parents, we need to lead by example. Sometimes lying is necessary; necessary to protect the people you love. Sometimes lying is needed to protect your well being and peace of mind. Sometimes lying is how people cope with reality; a way to live in denial.

Since becoming a mother, I find myself lying more than I did before. I lie mostly about my daughter's heath condition but not to other people. When my daughter asks me if she is going to die, I tell her that she is not going to die because mommy and daddy won't allow that to happen. When my son asks me if his sister will grow old with him, I say, "Yes, she will and she will drive you nuts just as she does today." But the reality is, my daughter could very well die. She could die before she reaches thirteen years of age. My daughter may never reach adulthood because she has a liver disease that has no cure and no known cause. As I lie to my children, I find my heart breaking and my hands shaking but I lie to protect their hearts and their dreams.

When people ask me how I am handling my daughter's illness, I tell them I am okay and I am stronger than I thought I could ever be. However, in reality I cry every night with fear. When people ask me how my daughter handles her illness I tell them that she is very brave but in reality she wants to go to heaven because in heaven she would be whole and healed. When people ask me how my marriage handles the stress of this illness, I say we are stronger because of it but in reality we struggle to find peace in our marriage. No, I am not honest; I lie to protect my heart. I lie because living in denial is easier than living with the truth.

Lying is not something I am proud of; I wish I didn't have to lie. As I am telling a lie, I am asking forgiveness at the same time. Hopefully, my lying does not harm my children when the truth is finally revealed. I pray that I can protect them from the truth even if I don't know the truth myself.

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