by Diane Olivia Valentine

Created on: May 03, 2008

Toads..

Caustic tears sting my swollen face as I drive hard into the night. I don't know where I am going or where I will end up. I only know that I couldn't remain where I was. Swallowed up in his life, his coldness, his insanity. I want to believe that it was all for a reason, a learning experience, an adventure. All I feel now is anger and pain and fear. I am heading East ,the direction from whence I came. They say home is where you hang your hat.but where is my hat rack? Home is where the heart is.I have no heart, it was stolen away. There is only a deep dark chasm where that heart once rested.

My cat quietly cries as we near the fourth hour on the road, my dog stares into the lights of the highway. He senses my fear and sadness. I try to comfort him with soft words and a pat on the head. It doesn't work. His eyes tell all.
How did it begin? How did it end? Why did it happen? How did I arrive here. 2000 miles from the love and comfort that surrounded me, 2000 miles from myself. All my wordly possessions are crammed within the confines of my vehicle. In the past, my possessions never mattered much,alone on this desolate road, my belongings have taken on a new meaning. They offer comfort, they offer hope and they offer confirmation that I existed prior to this experience and that I will continue to exist when this experience has passed. When the fear and loneliness have passed and I have gained my strength, these few possessions will enable me to begin again. To begin a new life. A happy life. A hopeful life.
Comforted by these thoughts, I recall my grandmother's wedding ring, buried deeply among the abruptly piled items that surround me. I smile and I shudder, then I take a breath and forge ahead. East. Home is East.
Toads. I recall that fairy tale I loved as a child and I truly believed that if I kissed a toad he would become a prince. He would whisk me off to a better place, a magical place, the place I had been seeking all of my life.
There was never any mention of the evil toads ,the ones who masquerade as princes, the ones who promise you the magic and the wonder and the forever love. The toads that swallow you whole, in one large gulp. The ones who spit you out with venom. He is such a toad. Kiss a toad, find a prince. Kiss a prince and the toad within is revealed. I should have kissed him with my eyes open.

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