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What not to do when pulled over for driving while intoxicated

by Jane Smith

The law has dramatically changed during the past few decades, politically, legally, militarily, and officially, albeit not always literally (=) constitutionally, according to the Unabridged Dictionary of 1776 which was used Benjamin Franklin [Library of Congress], who signed, both, the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution of the United States of America. As such, all drivers need to be mindful and heed the following advice:

Above all, DO NOT assume that the officer is a fellow American buddy whom you do not need to take EXTREMELY seriously!

DO NOT be lax. While pulling over, make certain that your driving is flawless, according to the book, inch by inch, from start to finish. Your driving skill, or lack thereof, at that point, will be recorded as a point-by-point "professional opinion" of your driving skill, and verified by two officers who will testify as eye witnesses.

DO NOT joke with the officer(s). DO NOT offer any lame excuses. DO NOT be dishonest; it insults their intelligence. Do not behave in any other than the most conservative, "ideal citizen" manner. To do otherwise will be held against you, on the record.

DO NOT fail to do, precisely, that which the officers tell you to do, even if you know that it violates your rights as an American citizen - which it probably does. As a proud hippy rebel newswoman, I know that, today, protesting one's rights to an officer is more likely to cause one to be killed than released, so choose your moments and venues of protestation wisely. Throughout, it helps to think like a police officer who has no authority over his "superior" officers; "Yes, Sir." "No, Sir."

When you open your window, the officer will, first, look into your eyes, ask you, at least, one question, and, while you are answering, attempt to smell your breath (without being obvious about it). Officers are skillful at smelling alcohol on one's breath - and some level of alcohol lingers on the breath for nearly two hours.

DO NOT expect to win this game of Catch 22; if you do not agree to take the field tests, you will be taken into the police station for testing on the machine, which may or may not work perfectly, without the ability to successfully fight the results in court, with or without a great attorney and a string of experts to testify upon your behalf, given that there are gaps within the rules regarding machine repair, leaving loose-ends - to the prosecutor's benefit.

DO NOT neglect to listen to the field test instructions as though your life depends upon it - it does. Criminal DUI convictions have lasting consequences. Police officers, in an attempt to justify their decisions, can, and often will, use the tiniest excuse to state that you failed the test. For instance, if you did not FULLY understand the instructions the first time, whether or not the officer mumbled, the officer will record that you are not alert. If you do not perform each test absolutely perfectly the first time, he or she will record that you failed the test. And two officers against any one driver hold sway in court. For instance, one officer stated, in court, that the driver had touched the tips of his fingers together, rather than the tips of his fingernails, once - instant failure. Once!

DO NOT expect the officer to follow the book. One officer testified that he had held a driver's eyes to the extreme right for 30 seconds (rather than the "recommended" 4-5 seconds); yet, thirty seconds at the periphery renders it impossible for ANYone's eyes to not twitch. Nevertheless, the jury accepted the officer's record of instant failure.

DO NOT rely upon technicalities for dismissal. During the 1980's, a fair percentage of DUI's were overturned on technicalities. Today, the court system has changed definitions and attached loopholes and riders, so that almost no one can be released on a technicality. Within the case which I, most recently, witnessed, the driver was represented by a skillful attorney and should have been released on 14 technicalities, yet, not even one technicality held up in court. Even non-evidentiary field tests are being considered as evidence due to the new loopholes.

DO NOT count upon the objectivity of the jurors. The majority of jurors know someone, or of someone, who has been victimized by a drunk driver and, as fellow citizens, all to frequently, attempt to teach the driver a lesson, not considering the depth of the consequences to the driver, despite their vows to be objective.

Save yourself the trouble. If you are drinking, do not hesitate to take a taxi. GOD bless America!

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