by Joe Murray

Created on: May 02, 2008

I have spent many minutes of valuable brain energy working out how to solve America's economic problems, and now would like to share them with you.

Just follow these 23 steps to recover the dollar.

1) Adopt the Euro. At 1.6 dollars to the Euro, that's point-six extra dollars we have to print. And paper costs money. Besides, the one economy this hurts most is Europe because they can't sell their extra stuff. They're stuck with buying our stuff because it's cheaper. Which hurts us, because everybody knows that the person with the most stuff wins.

2) Invade Iran. Okay. The other two invasions aren't working. By invading Iran, we can supplement our loss of Iraqi oil by expropriating Iranian oil. The terrorists will be too busy blowing up Iraqi oil refineries to notice.

3) Make Afghanistan the 51st state. That Karzai thing just isn't working. All the people there have this weird religion where they have to pray five times a day, can't eat bacon or drink whisky, they have to wear scratchy beards, cover their women with table sheets and can't watch porn. And we wonder why they're so cranky they blow themselves up. If I had to live like that, I'd explode, too. By making Afghanistan the 51st state, we can sell them "Playboys." Problem solved.

4) Nuke the Arctic. Then point giant air conditioners at it. When the Arctic refreezes into giant blocks of ice, it will reverse global warming.

5) Put Saddam Hussein back in charge of Iraq. He's the only one who's kept the place from turning into Dodge City. Huh? What's that? I'll read your e-mail as soon as I finish this.

6) Replace the national Eagle symbol with a fish. As the Eagle is endangered, we can't kill and eat Eagles any more. And we will always have enough fish.

7) Decide the next presidential election by making Hillary, Barack and McCain play paper-scissors-rock. We'll save a whole lot of money that way.

8) Better yet, make Harrison Ford president. He was kickin' in "Air Force One." If Harrison Ford becomes president the first thing he'd do is go to Berserkistan or somewhere to find Osama bin Ladin and kick his butt.

9) Stop turning our corn into bio-fuel. We keep telling Africa that help is on the way while we Marie Antoinettes drive our big fat SUVs a half mile to Piggly-Wiggly's to buy Sugar Sodas and Pork Rinds. Use rice for bio-fuel. There's plenty of that.

10) Genetically engineer big giant hamsters. Then build big giant treadmills in the middle of the desert and attach them to some sort of electricity making device. This

• 1
• 2
• Next Page >>