EATING LOUDLY

As you guessed correctly, this is about my habit of eating loudly. Not as bad as spitting but its not far off. It can make you a social out cast though just like picking your nose.

When I was growing up my Mum used to tell me nearly every time at the dinner table (and eventually when we upgraded to eating in front of the TV) that I should stop eating loudly. She still does when I visit.

"One day your job might depend on eating quietly" she would say.

Or, "Oh Jack! Please, you must try and stop," like I was caught doing heroin or something.

Anyway, I have tried. I think I have something physically wrong though, because I can't do it. How do some people manage to eat crisps or an apple in silence? Do I have weak mouth Acid?

I swear my boss must have snake acid in her mouth, as those pre-midday McCoy's just seem to dissolve in her mouth.

Sitting there watching out of the corner of my eye praying for just one audible crunch. But it never comes, never!

How hard can it be? My salt and vinegar Discos can't be that much crunchier and I even try and let one melt in my mouth for a while before lowering my Jaw like a car manufacturing press.

I know it will make a noise but I still can't help it. The crunch seems to fill the whole open office floor, followed by a round of sighs from every desk.

I just ruined Kevin's proposal, Jims filing or Giselle's tea break.

Ok, time to take these explosive crisps (chips if you are American) outside where the taxis and all the business men on their telephones will drown out the sound of me polishing off a triple-decker.

That's the routine anyway, I much more enjoy my sandwich if there is lots of noise around me and I don't have to worry about making a sound.

I don't eat quickly by the way for those who think that quick and loud are synonymous. My girlfriend finishes before me and yet makes no noise; I was convinced that she was putting it in her pockets at one point.

As time has gone by, I have tried to accept the loudness of my eating. Now when I meet people I make sure that there is music (which results in a lot of Tapas) or I just don't eat at all.

The world has discriminated against me, I sit outside the clubs and bars with all the smokers munching on my Kit-Kat in the rain.

I have been booted out of a silent world which would not accept noise or smoke and least of all.....people who chew yoghurts.

Learn more about this author, Jack Blatish.
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