by Miss Lucky

Created on: May 01, 2008

I am twenty-five. I am an addict. I have not done any drugs in over a year and yet I am still dealing with the irreversible lifelong effects that my addiction has caused. After a year binge with the club drug Ecstasy, I feel lucky to be alive, and to be able to share my story.

At first, taking Ecstasy was a weekend habit, half a pill, then hours later the other half. Then, when half didn't give me the brain melting feeling I wanted, the addiction began. Within a month I had established a regular connection, and a week later I was not only getting my supply for much cheaper prices, but I was also brought in as a dealer. It was so easy, all I had to do was sell less than half, and the rest were mine. So at seven dollars a pill, and having ten pills in my hand, all I had to do was sell three for twenty dollars a piece, pay ten dollars and I had seven pills of Ecstasy all to myself. For almost a year I repeated that process, and I can't even remember most of it.

The after effects of Ecstasy are an every day battle for me. I am struck by paralyzing migraines that seem to stop me in my tracks. I'll be fine one minute, and then it feels like I've been hit in the side of the head with a stake. These "brain pains", as I call them, can last anywhere from two minutes to two weeks, and seem to happen when I'm happy. The natural release of serotonin in my brain is painful now, and is one cause of my headaches. Which also causes massive mood swings and many pitfalls of depression. My monthly cycle holds different moods each week and I've come to notice this, and I try to remember that the depression will pass. However, the day to day battle against my moods makes me emotionally drained and very distant. The lack of understanding of all of this makes if very difficult for me to connect with anyone on an emotional level. I distanced myself from everyone for so long because of this addiction, that no one could trust me. Now I'm left with few friends and a family who no longer respects me. That hurts. I know now that it will take time and effort to prove to them that I can be trusted again.

Memory loss is the biggest struggle that I deal with on a daily basis. Even now as I try to write this I stop and draw a blank, as if my thoughts get paused in the middle of a sentence. Speaking has become difficult because I can never remember the right word, and so I have to repeat everything I'm about to say a few times in my head so that it comes out right. Usually I just don't say anything at all for fear of sounding ignorant. My thoughts are clear but the connection between thinking and doing has been seriously effected. During the first few months of withdrawal, when I woke up in the morning I was unable to move for a couple minutes. My body wouldn't respond to my brain telling it to move. That was one of the scariest feelings, like being temporarily paralyzed, and not knowing how long it would last each time was even worse. I don't notice that anymore, but then again, I don't notice a lot of things anymore.

My story is a sad but true one. I am not proud of my past, but I am also not ashamed of it. All I can do is learn from the error of my ways and hope for a positive outcome from all of this.

So when asked the question of whether or not club drugs are safe, or addictive, my answer is yes, and I'm living proof of that. I am twenty-five and I am an addict.

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