by Lindy Abrahams

Created on: May 01, 2008

After all the tears and the yelling had subsided and acceptance began to settle in, I soon realized that I would have to be a single parent. Even though the thought terrified me I had to get it together for the sake of my daughter.

The hardest part for me was getting over the anger. I was still very angry towards my ex about what he had done, that I went into counseling. I'm glad I did that, otherwise it would have been very easy to redirected my anger at my daughter. As adults it's our responsibility after a separation to put our children first. I've encountered experiences where one parent uses the child to get back at the other or takes out their anger on the child. If that happens there is need for intervention, get help.

I made a promise to myself to never do that to my daughter. The way I managed it was to look at the way her eyes lit up when she saw her father. Her joy was so heartfelt that there was no way I was going to take away her joy for self serving purposes. If you ever feel angry at your ex partner, ring up a grown up, a friend or better still visit a friend and vent out your anger with them. My friends and family were very supportive and when I was feeling resentful, I'd call my sister.

Step into your child's shoes and be them for a minute or two. You love both your parents with all your heart equally and you can't be expected to choose. Now imagine one of your parents criticizing the other in front of you. How do you feel? Genetically the child is half of each parent to hate or criticize the other you criticize parts of your child.

I knew in my heart that I never wanted my daughter to pay for the mistakes we made as adults. Make civilized decisions as adults about the care of the children. Who looks after who and when. What finances will go out to each child, is the child well cared for by both parents.

I had to be flexible with child care routines, not for his sake but for my daughters sake. In those times I let go of what I felt and allowed her just to enjoy her dad. She'd come home so happy and I would take time to listen to the stories about what they had done for the weekend.

It's hard in the beginning. I found it incredible hard because of the way the separation came about. In the mist of it all I turned my focus on her joy. She was happy and how I felt about my ex where my feelings to own and to deal with.

That was almost two years ago. My daughter has grown into a confident and out spoken girl. She gets to make her own decisions about her parents without my influence. As a parent I will continue to keep my end of the deal to raise her and give her the best that I can.

Parenting after separation can be hard but not impossible. As long as you work together as parents, your children will feel valued.

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