by Andy Paulo

Created on: May 01, 2008   Last Updated: September 10, 2009

The bake sale, the talent show, the "buy candy to save the school band", the "buy wrapping paper to get a kidney transplant for the science room's bet kookaburra, Steve", and singles night in the teacher's lounge. All these fund raising ideas are effective, but sorely played out. Don't you think it's about time we brought these tired education income sources into the new millennium? Well, regardless of what you think, it is.

School's need money and citizens would rather buy out of season gift labels and cookies of dubious origins rather than just pay a slight increase in taxes. Go figure. But, be that as it may, the bake sale is born out of this payment distinction. But what with the rising concern towards fat kids, a school encouraging the sale of poisonous, artery clogging baklava could be accused of fat mongering. And that's just the type of scandal that "The Morning Show with Bill and Michaela" would drool over.

Couple that with the projected success of a "celery stick, lite ranch dressing, and sit-ups" sale and you've got yourself in one dilly of a budgetary pickle. The simple solution? Sponsor a "Pies for Produce" swap. People come in, drop off their cholesterol inducing snack foods and lovingly baked confections; you give them a bushel of chickpeas in return, and charge them a Lincoln for the privilege. Expert tip: Save the baked goods you collect and have a bake sale the following weekend!

The next fund raising fiasco is the talent show / school band and or choir and or orchestra and or glee club concert. Sure, everyone loves to hear a group of prepubescent pipsqueaks croon the great Jewish holiday classics for the sake of political correctness, but you may find that your demographic is stilted. Honestly, only the relatives and the friends with inactive social lives will be crashing down your door. You have to spice it up a bit; play around with the repertoire. A Disney revue? How about Poison's greatest hits instead? Christmas carols? Try an a capella arrangement of Trans Siberian Orchestra's seasonal classics. The school band stuck on "chopsticks" and that song from the old "Beef: It's What's For Dinner" commercials? Try the Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass discography for inspiration (but keep the beef song, it's a classic). Bring out-of-tune child musical performances to the masses, and watch the mad monies star rolling in. It'll be pennies on the dinar, my friend. Pennies on the dinar.

Last, and certainly least interesting, is the "spaghetti dinner night". I don't know what marketing nimrod thought that bringing Prince Spaghetti night to poli-sci would be a big money maker, but I assure you it's not. Why not a "cocktail brunch" or a "bring your own damn dinner night" or "stay home and microwave yesterday's lo mien and watch a rerun of Doctor Who night"? At the very least get away from that damn spaghetti, because god help you if "The Morning Show With Bill and Michaela" get wind of your pasta party and claim that you're killing our children with carbs.

So if your school needs a new Zen garden, or if you're a principal just looking for some extra coin, an innovative twist on an old fund raising favorite can really get the punters pouring in.

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