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After careful study on the subject of the many different types of radio-controlled aircraft (inevitus kaputibus), much consultation with a 50% stakeholder in the family bank account, numerous calculations, categorizations by alphanumeric, wingspan, color and smell, I have simplified the categorization of radio-controlled aircraft down to two main classifications.

1. Those that have crashed.

2. Those that are gonna.

Within those two main classes are several sub-classes:

a) Rotary Wing: of which a prerequisite is a comfortable pair of running shoes, as the new pilot will be required to spend a great portion of his first few flights fleeing from his prized marvel of engineering.

b) Fixed Wing: of which a prerequisite is a comfortable pair of hiking boots, as the new pilot will be required to spend a great portion of his first few flights hiking to find the crash site with bag in hand in search of his prized marvel of engineering's remains.

These wondrous bringers of joy come with trendy terms that further sub-classify them such as:

ARF - Almost Ready to Fly

ARC - Almost Ready to Crash

ACD - Almost Caused Divorce

POS - self explanatory

SOB - censored

Within the two main classes you will find that there are gas-powered and electric-powered units. You can tell that you have chosen to enter the gas-powered area of our blissful hobby by a few tell-tale signs:

- Your Suburban is too small to hold the entire entourage necessary to make a successful two minute flight, including but not limited to; aircraft, tool boxes, electric starter, starter battery, glow plug battery, fuel, fuel pump, goggles, rag, more rags, garbage bags, etc., etc., etc.

- Your wife's side of the Suburban has an oil stain on the seat (probable consequences forthcoming from this one) from aircraft. There are oily hand-prints on the steering wheel, door handles, seats, dog, etc., etc., etc.

- There is an oily trail from the garage to where said aircraft is proudly displayed hanging in the living room, directly above imported wool carpet.

If you chose the electric route of the hobby, you may have extended the matrimonial phase of your life by several years. However the radio-control gods aren't through with you yet. It is still entirely possible and even probable to flush several weeks' pay in seconds, and many an electric-aircraft pilot has stood alone in the field with that stunned "WTF?" look on his face, thumbs twiddling ineffectual sticks, eyes staring off into the silent barren ether that once was his easel to be painted on as master of the skys. Now his brush lay indignantly in a mangled heap.

Scientists are feverishly working to isolate the gene responsible that seems to be embedded in each radio controlled aircraft. It may lay dormant for years, but once triggered will totally brainwash and drive the aircraft into believing that gaining sufficient altitude, converting that altitude into tremendous vertical velocity in a dive, and showing no sign of fear, will allow it punch through the microscopic film that separates air from ground and enter the promised land beyond. Once the gene is triggered, no pilot can thwart the outcome. Oh we have fabricated excuses to explain its inevitable demise; dead radio, control linkage came off, antenna was broke, wrong transmitter frequency, shot down by another pilot's radio, etc., etc., etc., but we know the truth and will require these excuses until the gene is isolated.

I hope this simplified classification system has been of some assistance to a few new aspiring pilots as yet unsure of which facet of the hobby to embrace. Whichever route you choose to enter this sublime world, I'm sure you'll find every bit as rewarding and soothing as I have, enjoy!

Learn more about this author, Kary Wright.
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