by Mike Mulhern

Created on: April 30, 2008   Last Updated: October 31, 2008

Seems like everybody and his brother has an opinion on who should win the NBA MVP award this year. Well not me. I don't even have a brother.

Frankly I don't care about individual awards like the MVP. Basketball is a team sport, dammit! And there's no "MVP" in T-E-A-M. There's only an M. And that's close, but not enough!

It's foolish to blather on and on about who should win the MVP. It's all opinion! Subjective nonsense that's a complete waste of time. So I'm going to blather on and on about who "will" win the MVP, which is infinitely more useful, and quantifiable too. How is it quantifiable? Well just sit right back and let my numerical analysis dazzle you!

First, how is the MVP determined? By sportswriters. So to figure out who will win the MVP, you have to figure out what sportswriters are looking for. Other than a post-game buffet in the press room, that is.

So here we go, the 6 elements sportswriters are actually looking for in their MVP, and how the only serious MVP candidates rank, in an incredibly scientific analysis that is absolutely guaranteed to be correct or your money back!

Thank God this is free to read.

Factor 1: Gaudy Stats. Don't sportswriters love those beefy stats!

Kevin Garnett: 1 pt. Just 18.8 pts, 9.2 rebounds per game. Not good enough!
Chris Paul: 2 pts. Assist leader. Good to have those assists, but not great.
Kobe Bryant: 3 pts. 28.3 pts per game, not too shabby.
LeBron James: 4 pts. Points per game leader. Bing!

Factor 2: Team Record. Without a good team record an MVP candidate is nothing. Except grossly overpaid.

LeBron James: 1 pt.
Chris Paul: 2 pts.
Kobe Bryant: 3 pts.
Kevin Garnett: 4 pts.

Factor 3: Who's He Play With? Yup, it actually pays to have horrendous teammates. It shows you can do more with less.

Kevin Garnett: 1 pt. Has Paul Pierce and Ray Allen. Too good!
Kobe Bryant: 2 pts. Pau and Bynum for a partial year. Not bad.
LeBron James: 3 pts. Big Z and a revolving door of role players.
Chris Paul: 4 pts. Can you even say anyone besides D-West off the top of your head?

Factor 4: Little Guy Factor. Little guys are always big in voters' minds. They must be, otherwise Shaq would have won every year for the decade or so he dominated basketball.

Kevin Garnett: 1 pt.
LeBron James: 2 pts.
Kobe Bryant: 3 pts.
Chris Paul: 4 pts.

Factor 5: Foreigner Factor. The only thing sportswriters like more than little guys is foreigners. And by "foreigner" I obviously don't mean "white." Predominantly white sportswriters never consider that in their voting. Never. (This is where you try not to think about the past two MVP winners.)

Chris Paul: 1 pt. All-American
Kevin Garnett: 2 pts. Kinda looks Spanish somehow.
LeBron James: 3 pts. Name sounds French
Kobe Bryant: 4 pts. Lived in Italy as a kid, big winner!

Factor 6: Intangibles.

Kobe Bryant: 1 pt. Trade demands caused chaos for teammates
LeBron James: 2 pts. Not sure he even knows all of his teammates.
Chris Paul: 3 pts. Teammates will go to war, or a talk show, for him.
Kevin Garnett: 973 pts. I saw a Celtics game this year where two of KG's teammates battled each other for a rebound, obviously trying to pad their stats. KG got right in both of their faces and proceeded to yell holy heck at them. He made Kendrick Perkins, a center who weighs approximately 700 lbs., look like he was going to cry. KG's teammates don't just play hard for him, they're frightened to death not to. Now that's value.

So Kevin Garnett gets 982 points and will win the MVP award. Dontcha just love scientific analysis?

Now if you'll excuse me, I have much more important blathering to do. Rookie of the Year? Useless award!

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