by Chris Beazer

Created on: April 30, 2008

May 11th is slowly sneaking up on us. No it's not time to change the oil in your car, its Mother's Day. If you really thought that it was the day you were supposed to get your oil changed, then I truly suggest you read this article in it entirety...maybe even twice. However, if you knew it was Mother's Day - well, then still read this article for a good laugh at the idiots who truly are clueless when it comes to writing sweet sentiments about the woman who brought them into this world.

First off before we even get to what to write in the card, let's talk about the gift. Sure, most women say they don't want you to "buy" them anything. They just want something that comes from the heart. Yeah...right. Maybe this works when you're a kid but now that you've grown and have a real job, she's expecting something to make up for ripping you out of her loins. Trust me; a craft project is just not going to make things even for that. So if you're going for the homemade gift, you better make sure and use real diamonds instead of glitter on your homemade card.

Now that you have your homemade, diamond-crested card, let's talk about what not to write in it. Yes, I know you're reading this in hopes of getting some jewel of wisdom of a truly sentimental, tear jerking, over-the-top phrase that will somehow make up for the 18 years of your life that she bent over backwards to feed you, pick up your dirty underwear, wash your clothes, and oh so much more. Well, if you feel you need to read an article to get this knowledge - then I feel it's much more important to inform you of what not to say in a Mother's Day Card.

Here are the top ten things not to put in a card for your mom this Mother's Day.

1.) Mom, you gave birth to me 25 years ago, and I appreciate it, but shouldn't you have lost the baby weight by now? Happy Mother's Day!

2.) Mom, wow...you're old...Happy Mothers Day!

3.) Mom, I know it's Mother's day and all, and I'm supposed to get you something...but, I could really use $50 bucks for a new tattoo. How about it? Happy Mother's Day!

4.) Mom, thank you for putting a roof over my head for eighteen years of my life. I know I'm 35, but would you mind putting a roof over my head for another eighteen years? Happy Mother's Day!

5.) Mom, I flunked out of college...Happy Mother's Day!

6.) Mom, You are the best mother in the entire world. I love you so much. You are so skinny and pretty. You look like you're 25. Can you come bail me out of jail? Happy Mother's Day!

7.) Mom, I know I was a hard kid to raise. I'm sure that I put a wrinkle on your face for every year that I am. I'm now 45...and you look like I'm 70. Happy Mother's Day!

8.) Mom, I never thought you would live till I was forty. I'm glad that you lived to be so very, very, old. Thanks for not croaking. Happy Mother's Day!

9.) Mom, I got you a membership to the Gym for Mother's Day. Please use it because you're fat. I love you. Happy Mothers Day!

10.) Mom, surprise! I got you laser hair removal for Mother's Day. Now people will stop mistaking you for Dad. Happy Mother's Day.

You may laugh, but I'm sure there are some readers out there who truly feel these are great things to say to their Mom on Mother's Day. If you feel that way, I have deep pity on you. Not for the fact that you are that dense, but because of the pain that is about to be inflicted on you from that same woman that gave you life. So this Mother's Day try your best to come up with something to say that will make her cry because of how beautiful a sentiment it is, not of regret of enduring 27 hours of labor only to realize she gave birth to an idiot. Remember, she brought you into this world...and she sure as heck can take you out of it.

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