by Zainib Ahmad

Created on: April 30, 2008

Wow that is a tough one. I wish there were a middle column, one that said, "Maybe". Ten years ago I moved to America from Pakistan after getting married. On becoming pregnant I decided to put my medical career on hold to raise first my daughter and then, three years later, my son. Ten years later I am still at home, now clutching my way out of the trenches, realizing that I may do many things with my life, but my medical career is over. Would I do it again? In a heartbeat. Are kids worth it? Definitely. Is it easy? No. Most questions do not have a simple 'yes' or 'no' answer and even though I stayed home, I think this is one of them. For those mothers who find it overwhelming to stay home full-time, whose husbands and family do not give them the support they need and deserve, or who may have a child with problems that require a super human level of patience and caring, I would say staying home full-time may not be for them. A child needs a parent - a loving nurturing individual - not a martyr. I would say the best bet would be for the primary caretaker to have a part time job, so they can spend healthy time away from their kids and come home eager to see them. I have missed that perspective totally. There have been days and weeks when I have wanted to 'just get away for a few hours or a day', when I desperately needed a break and did not get one, when the word 'mother' made me wince.

I think a healthy balance is in order for this issue. A child needs time and attention from loving parents. She also needs a roof over her head, food, clothes and a million other things. As long as both parents are giving a healthy amount of time to their child, if they are available most of the time, I do not think there is any harm in both parents working outside the home. There are enough things in life to be guilty about. In my neighborhood, I am the only stay-at-home mom on the street and I feel isolated from all the others. I wish all us moms could bond and support each other instead of just eying each other suspiciously. I could pitch in and help when they need child care. They could help connect me to the outside world and earn extra money babysitting etc. The most important things is that we need to stop judging one another. Parents do what makes sense to them. The stay-at-home mom who is always yakking on the phone, or running errands and takes her children for granted is almost like the always-absent mom. Being physically present is not good enough if we do not have the energy or the will to interact with our children. I just wish more employers offered part-time jobs and child friendly, flexible hours so moms and kids could have the best of both worlds.

So, like most things in the world, there is no easy, one-size-fits-all answer. Mostly 'yes' and sometimes 'no' would be my take on this one.

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