by Andrea Naomi

Created on: April 30, 2008

Two weeks. It took me two weeks to decide if I should break up with him. "He is so nice." I said to myself. "He is doing everything right." I continued. "What is wrong with me?" I said out loud to myself. My head fell into my hands.

I have issues. I have issues that include losing my job, two teenage aliens, an 8 month old child of a married man, and medical issues.

I finally found the reason why I am still alone. It's me. It's all me.
"Get over it." I said again to myself. I can't. He chose two other women before he settled on me. That is not a cool feeling. I held on to that grudge for a long time. Then he decides to come back after I had a baby from other man. The feelings are not the same. My feelings are for someone else, someone else that I can not have.

"Give it a try." I did but I just do not feel it. My mind wanders on other issues. I do not miss him when he is gone. I'm happier when I'm alone. I do not have to worry about cleaning after anyone but me and my children. I feel guilty.

Guilty for leading him on. Leading him to think I would pursue a relationship with him. I apologized and asked him to forgive me. He was so sweet and said, "I'm not mad but I am upset." He continued to state, "I'm sorry if you feel that I chose you last. I'm sorry I hurt you before."

When the conversation was over, I was relieved. Relieved that I was not committed to anyone. I'm not ready for it. My infant daughter's father still has my heart. Although, I have not seen him, I can not help to still have feelings for him. I will move on but not at the expense of another person's feelings.

"Maybe it's the medical issues." I mutter to myself. My hormones are going crazy. I do not know whether I'm coming or going. "It's not time." I reason. "You are not ready. Do not find excuses."

I picked up my cell phone, scrolled down to his name and almost sent him a text. I hesitated. "Maybe I shouldn't. I still feel bad." I reasoned with myself. "I will be leading him on if I send a text. My feelings haven't changed. I don't want a relationship." I continued. "I want a friend that I don't feel obligated to have sex with."

I closed the phone, placed it back on the charger and began my home duties.

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