by Anthony Kennedy

Created on: April 29, 2008

What happened to my wife, my lover, my children's mother, my best friend ?

Having been divorced for five years and now in my first relationship for seven years or more I finally feel that my life is gaining some semblance of normality, whatever that is.
It is only now that I can measure how ill I became having been married for twenty years to a wife with undiagnosed bipolar and a co-morbid dependence on alcohol.

My decision to end my marriage saved my life and probably the life of my children!

In the end I made the decision to live for my four children so that they did not have to be in the care of their drunken, comatose, irresponsible, intense mother.
How could my life come down to such a decision, how could I become so tortured and full of despair.
Do I get any solace from the knowledge that she has since been diagnosed with bipolar or that she has a condition that absolves her, in her own mind, of that responsibility.

Raising four children by myself has been difficult, made more so by the isolation of being a man. Single mothers tend to have a network of friends, mothers and school groups to rely upon for support, but there are very few men who choose to congregate.
How do you deal with the knowing looks of women who assume that it is you who carries the guilt of your failed marriage; in silence mainly.

The condition robs you of your friends, your family, your place of employment, your dignity, your manhood and in my case it came close to ending my life. Friends and family quickly drift away when faced with the bizarre behavior and we moved five times in four years to start a new life. I choose to stop when I felt like an alien with no past or future.

I got tired of searching bars and night clubs for my drunk and absent wife, tired of ringing police to lodge missing persons reports, tired of attending court for her drink driving charges, tired of dealing with impotent mental health workers, tired of helping her to recover from repeated suicide attempts, tired of finding her with men in hotel rooms and tired of making excuses to my children for her behavior.

I got tired of picking her up off the streets, having to carry her from restaurants when she passed out before entree was served, being blamed for her bruises from falling over while drunk, cleaning her up when she was to drunk to walk to a bathroom, hiding her purse and car keys to stop her from driving.

I got tired of finding her so desperate for a drink that she would drink vinegar or skull a 40 oz bottle of spirits if the opportunity arose. Tired of dealing with lost purses, mobile phones, car keys and jewelery. Tired of finding her on the couch to drunk to move for days. Embarrassed when the kids invited their friends to play games or watch movies on the couch next to her, as if this was normal.

I was just so tired...

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