by F. Burgess (RN, BSN)

Created on: April 28, 2008

I recognized bipolar disorder as an illness when I was diagnosed in 1988 at age 27. It is one of those illnesses that can be difficult to "prove to others" because it is often mistaken for different types of personality disorders.

The mood swings can appear to be a temper tantrum or hyperactivity. When I thought I didn't need to be medicated but just to learn anger management, I stopped taking my medications. I was fine for about 2 weeks when I had a total nervous breakdown. I tried this a few times before I convinced myself that I was actually bipolar as diagnosed.

When I am depressed, I cry at the drop of a dime. My feelings are very fragile. I can become inconsolable, even apologizing for not having control over my crying. I am emotionally unstable and have difficulty with minor decision making.

I tend to shop for items I don't immediately need or treat myself to expensive meals trying to "lift my spirits". This strategy does not work because I become even more depressed spending money I could not afford and being embarrassed to let my family see where I wasted money. Many bags end up buried in the closet. I would also buy more groceries than necessary for a 2 person family, I love grocery stores.

When I am depressed, I waste money and budget poorly. Many times not paying bills when due. There were times I thought I may have to have someone handle my finances. I tended to not open mail, mainly bills or official letters, fearing bad news or something I could not afford to pay.

When I am manic, I appear to be hyperactive, leading people to think it is an effect of some type of drug. I am very talkative, out of the ordinary for me. My mind is busy thinking of the subjects I want to discuss. Usually I end up citing TV trivia. I forget easily because my mind is racing ahead. My dreams seem real, when I wake up, I look for validation. Decision making is dangerous when bipolar is not treated, especially when performing certain occupations such as nursing (my profession).

I have an element of agoraphobia (fear of crowds, stays in home) and can not interact well with others in social situations (always confused with anti-social, a term utilized more in the justice system). I am having difficult explaining this illness to my family who do not believe in actual mental illnesses unless a person is institutionalized.

As a matter of fact, it is one of the health topics that is not considered a major illness in the black community unless it is extreme and obvious. People would rather call someone "crazy" instead of a diagnosed illness. This prevents many blacks from seeking proper mental health care and was one of the major reasons I delayed treatment. Once, I stopped therapy because of my aunt's offhanded remark "Oh you're crazy?" I also made very poor life decisions when untreated.

I am on an effective cocktail of anti psychotics and antidepressants at this time. It takes time to reach therapeutic levels on the right medications. I am trying to get rid of those letters, bills, notices from as long as 3 years ago. I have cleaned out the closet but still have difficulty budgeting and staying out of Wal Mart.

I am attempting to put my life in order. In the last 4 years, when I thought I had it together, health and financial problems knocked me off course. My psychiatrist has treated me for panic and anxiety attacks for untoward happenings. I am hoping to remain stable at this point. I still like staying home but I not brooding in a corner.

Yes, bipolar is a real illness, one I would not wish upon anyone. Schizophrenia is the next step up-far more extreme. I think people need to take mental illnesses more seriously because we need all the support we can get.

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