by Patrice S

Created on: April 28, 2008

Having a premature baby is stressful enough. The constant vigil at the NICU , learning to change diapers through the tiny openings of an isolette , the rare moments when you're able to hold this tiny miracle. Your emotional state is more treacherous than any roller coaster will ever be.

As the mother of a child who was 10 weeks early, I experienced many of these emotions, and learned many things on the journey. If you're dealing with a preemie, perhaps this will help:

The Bonding Issue
So much is made of the mother/child bond. I was not even conscious for the birth, having to be put under general anesthetic because of a near-total placental abruption . The complications during delivery required me to be in the Intensive Care Unit and on a ventilator for many hours.
Every time it looked like I was regaining consciousness, my husband showed me blurry Polaroids of our daughter and told me about her. It helped, but it was still almost 48 hours until I was stable enough to meet my little girl for the first time.
When the nurses wheeled me into the NICU , and took me to her warming table, I said her name and "Mommy's here honey." I'll never forget two tiny arms reaching out and upward at the sound of my voice. It was as if she knew exactly who I was. The bond was still there that we had forged for 30 weeks. She knew who I was!

The Guilt Factor
This came in three parts. First was wondering if I did something to bring this on. I was repeatedly assured by the nurses and our daughter's medical team that I did nothing 'wrong.' Preeclampsia happens to many women, unfortunately, my case resulted in the placenta shearing off of the uterine wall.
Then was the guilt that came with attempts to breastfeed. We bought the pump. I was diligent about pumping as soon as I was removed from dangerous medicines after leaving the ICU. But my body had been so traumatized that very little was produced. This caused great feelings of guilt and depression. But a lactation counselor assured me that even the colostrum I was able to provide in the first few days helped her greatly. She reminded me that I'd experienced a severe trauma and my body was struggling to heal itself, let alone provide for another human being. Once I stopped beating myself up for being what I perceived to be an inadequate mother, I was able to feel calmer and the tears stopped being a constant companion.
The third wave of guilt came when I took the advice of the staff and wasn't there 24 hours a day. It's true, she was getting

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