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Having a double perspective on divorce I believe I am able to help children deal with the divorce of their parents. I was 11 when my parents divorced. The way my mother handled the divorce was bad mouthing my father to my siblings and I. She never allowed us to have contact with my father, and if my brothers and sisters spoke of my father or asked questions about him my mother cut us short. My parents divorce was off limits, it was as if me and my brothers and sisters never had a father. He was just gone, and all our memories and love for him was forbidden, and treated as though he never existed in our lives.

Even at eleven, I knew my mom handled the situation wrong. However, I had to follow my mother's rules. I promised myself if I ever had children and went through a divorce, I would never deny my children their father, nor would I speak ill of him in front of my children no matter what happened between him and me, nor would I cut their father out of their lives.

Divorce did come for my family. Of course, our children were affected. As hard as it was for my ex and me to get along after the divorce, my boys did not see the terrible things that happened between us. My ex and I made a conscious choice to make sure their time between us was equal, neither of us spoke ill of the other in front of them, and we had family days where their father and I would take them out together.

My ex and I made sure they could talk to either of us about the sadness and problems they were having due to the split of our family. We also kept them in sports, band, and other organizations in school to build their self-esteem. We made it a point to keep the lines of communication open and they knew they could come to us about anything. I went to their school and talked to their councilors and let them know what had happened and asked the councilors to call each of my son's into their office and reassure the boys that if they needed someone to talk to their doors were also open.

Both my ex and I are now remarried. We both explained to our new partners that our son's mental health was one of our most important concerns. Both our partners understood the importance of my ex and me spending time with the boys and as a family. In addition, the boys understood their father and I have new partners and lives. We handled the situation properly. Things were not always a bed of roses. Of course, we had our problems every family divorced or otherwise has them. However, nothing major, and the boys came through loving both of their parents, and caring or even loving their stepparents for allowing our family to stay together and not be shattered as they had seen so many other families around them.

My boys are now grown, they are respectable caring young men, and those with children are fantastic fathers. Our family remains close, with a healthy line of communication, respect, and love. Their father and I could not be happier or more proud of our son's.

Learn more about this author, Mary Tyrer.
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