by Alexa Lurie

Created on: April 28, 2008   Last Updated: August 25, 2010

While there are no winners in a divorce, there are definitely losers, primarily the children whose world changes before their eyes. The effect of such a huge loss is unlikely to leave a child unscathed, but there are ways that the parents can minimize the negative impact of the divorce on the children.

1. Set aside your differences! While with the children, focus on what is best for them in the moment. Put aside who gets the house, the money, the blame. Your children can't change those things, nor should they even know those details. That only puts additional undue stress on them.

2. Provide support systems. It is a good idea to involve the child's school. They can initiate age appropriate intervention for your child. You need not give details, just basic facts so they can look out for changes, problems, or provide extra support when needed. Be sure to involve a mental health professional to give the child an objective place to share their feelings. Parents should each have support systems too, to deal with feelings and to seek guidance how to best help the children through the process.

3. Eliminate blame. Children often associate things they may have done "wrong" with causing the divorce. Reassure your children often that it is not their fault, nor is it their responsibility or capability to repair the marriage. It is just as important to avoid placing blame on yourself or your spouse. This puts a child in the middle, as if they should place blame too.

4. Demonstrate respectful behavior. Your children don't share your negative feelings towards the other parent, nor should they. A child deserves to be loved unconditionally by both parents, and be given opportunities to share experiences with both. Just because they weren't your ideal spouse doesn't mean they aren't a good parent. In fact, parent's skills often improve as a result of the limited visitation and the inability to defer responsibilities. Respect that your children need both parents in their lives, and put pride & anger aside for that soccer championship or the school play. Let your child share their accomplishments and memories with both of you.

5. Maintain consistency & visitation. Divorce inevitably changes the child's core support system & schedule. Try to minimize the changes within your control. Children should have regular, consistent times with their parents. Neither parent should interfere with the schedule unless there is an emergency or a prior plan, so that the children know

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