by Melissa Rachiele

Created on: April 28, 2008

There is a long tradition in both pop culture and the academic world of blaming mothers for everything that goes wrong for children - and in neglecting their roles in anything good that their children achieve. This can cause mothers to become extremely anxious about the effec they may have on their children's future, and can cause them to try to hold themselves to an unrealistic standard which is ultimately unachievable and self destructive.

Psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott pioneered the concept of the "good enough mother," one which should be liberating to mothers everywhere. He suggested that while an unfit mother may actually damage her child, so long as a mother is "good enough," her child is likely to develop in a typical, healthy fashion. It is not necssary to be perfect, simply to provide for your child's most basic physical ane emotional needs.

So, what matters?

The most important thing a good mother can do is to provide for her child's physical and emotional needs at the most basic level. A child should be fed, clothed, and sheltered, and should be attended to in an age appropriate fashion. For infants, this can suggest an almost entire submersion in your child's well being, but as children get older mothers should increase this distance.

It is also important that a child grow up in a mostly positive environment. This doesn't mean that he or she should be sheltered from the world, but it does mean that he should grow up not having to fear for his own safety or for his family's continued emotional support.

Some studies have shown that children do better with a parent at home, but even more important seems to be the mother's satisfaction with her own life choices. That is to say neither a mother who works and regrets it nor a mother who stays home and resents it will do what is best for her child. A good mother is one who shows through her example that it is possible to live in order with one's values and beliefs.

What doesn't matter?

A mother, particularly of an older child, needn't be constantly around or available. You don't need to respond to your child's every request. You don't need to show up to every classroom party. You don't need to buy every toy you see.

You don't need to always be right.

All that matters is that you show your child by word and example that he is loved, safe, and capable of success, happiness and actualization. The best way to be a good mother is to be good to yourself too.

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