by Melissa Tolson

Created on: April 27, 2008   Last Updated: June 03, 2008

A divorcing couple is typically in a very selfish place; their vision becomes limited. They see each other; they see anger, bitterness and sadness. What they don't always see is the effect this has on the kids. And if the effect goes unnoticed, no steps will be taken to help safely guide the children through the process.

Many avenues have been taken to help children of divorce. No one does it perfectly, and no one ever will, because it's impossible. What is possible is giving children the support they need to limit the emotional scarring that takes place. And for the adults to take stock of their actions and the effect they have.

The very first thing a divorcing couple should do is explain what is happening in a way children can understand. The next thing is to emphasize that the situation is not the children's fault. No matter how sophisticated kids may seem, no matter their age or intellect, they're going to find a way to blame themselves. Stop them in their tracks or look forward to a long, hard road.

Next, and very importantly, remind the children often that they are loved by both parents. They are not being divorced; they will always have two loving parents. You must live and breathe this part. Your kids are confused, scared and guilty. They don't have the maturity or tools to convince themselves that mommy and daddy still love them. Especially when one parent lives somewhere else, as this is abandonment to kids, (even if it is not).

Listen hard to this because it is a mistake a lot of people make to the detriment of their children. Do not ever bad mouth or disparage your ex-spouse to or around your kids. Venting on the phone in another room is too close. Small ears hear everything! Your children are half of both of you. They believe if daddy is bad, then they must be bad too. As such, their self-esteem will plummet upon hearing how horrible (or selfish, cheating, lying) their other parent is. This also forces them to choose sides.

Which leads to another important point: never push your kids to choose sides. You will lose. Don't make them feel guilty or bad for loving their other parent. Encourage their relationship with your ex-spouse even if it kills you. If you don't, it will come back to haunt not only you, but more importantly, your children.

Do not make your child your friend, confidante or crutch. They don't need to know about issues like your love life or financial woes. It is too large of a job for a little person to handle. Besides, it's patently unfair to expect that from your kids. They aren't the parent, you are.

Lastly, if you need help, get it. This is a horrible time for you, but it's exponentially worse for your children. Be there for them, comfort and love them. Deal with your emotions about your divorce on your own time. Your children don't deserve the burden.

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