by Lane Trawick

Created on: April 27, 2008   Last Updated: June 03, 2008

1.) Be there for them.

Children need to know that regardless of anything, or anyone else, your devotion to them will not change. A child's need for both parents does not end in divorce. In many ways, it intensifies. They need to know they can count on you now, more than ever. Being a parent means being responsible for little lives you helped to bring into this world. It means being on-call, 24/7. Just as you would be before divorce, be there for them just as much, if not more. Be there through fevers and nausea; stomach-aches and concerns - through projects to complete; trips for supplies; homework; practices and games; as a regular field trip chaperon just be there. Your children will remember that when they had so little to count on, they could count on you.

2.) Keep them out of the middle.

Do your utmost to keep your children from being in between you and your ex (their mom/dad.) Don't share "secrets," and don't ask questions to extract information from them. Let them know what they know about you is no secret and, live accordingly. That takes the pressure off of them when being debriefed for information by "you-know-who." They will remember when they're older who played "spy games" and "Re-con missions" with them and who did not.

3.) Do not alienate their affection.

Regardless of circumstances, absolutely, do not attempt to alienate your children's affection from their other parent. Children are a part of two parents, and they naturally need to know they are loved by both. A bad parent will do enough on his/her own to harm their own relationship with their children. They don't need any help. To say to children that a parent they love and admire is "bad," is to send a message that they, too, must be bad for loving a parent who is such a "bad" person. You don't want to do that.

4.) Remind them it's OK to smile.

Remind your children that it's still OK to have fun. If there's ever a time for some fun, it's in the wake of divorce. Material things can't make up for their emotional loss but, the diversion of fun can be a soothing way to remember that not everything good is gone. Sometimes, the simplest thing will turn out the most memorable moment. Some of the most fun and humorous times occur unexpectedly. Having fun is telling your children that, despite whatever difficulty comes your way, life with them goes on and, so does your love for them.

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