by Marte Cliff

Created on: April 27, 2008   Last Updated: June 03, 2008

Helping your child deal with divorce is just as much about what not to do than what to do.

Of course you need to emphasize the fact that the divorce has nothing to do with your children's behavior, and that both parents will always love and support them. Then you need to behave as politely to each other as possible when your children are nearby.

If you're at the point of divorce, your child has probably heard enough fights to last a lifetime. Don't add any more, and don't ever make your child the reason for the next fight.

Remember that your child is still your responsibility, even if you are not the custodial parent. You have an obligation to help him or her get through this difficult time with the least possible trauma.

If your family has standards of behavior that your children are expected to follow, don't suddenly change them. And when a problem arises, work together for a solution. Remember that your child's welfare comes before your pride and your anger at your spouse.

Children of divorce often have problems in school. Be understanding, but don't let them use this as an excuse. Show them that life has problems, and learning to deal with them is part of living.

Unless your divorce is the result of child abuse, encourage your children and your X to spend time together and remain close. Always relay phone messages, give them cards and letters from their other parent, and try to accommodate last minute opportunities for your children to spend time with their other parent.

So, what not to do:

1. Don't use your child as your confidant - don't tell him or her how terrible your X-spouse is. Remember that your X is also a part of your child, and if you say he or she is a terrible person, your child will feel like a terrible person as well. Instead, take every opportunity to point out good qualities - and if you get the chance, say things like "You're so kind to animals (or so good at math, such an imaginative writer, such a talented musician, etc.)- that's just like your Mom (or Dad)."

2. Don't EVER ask your child to take sides in an argument.

3. Don't use your children as weapons - by withholding visitation, being late to pick them up for outings, etc. It may hurt your spouse, but it will hurt your children more.

4. Don't try to buy your children's loyalty with expensive toys, trips, etc. Be the same parent you were before the divorce - indulging them on occasion, but guiding them, teaching them, and setting the same limits that you did before the divorce.

5. Don't expect your children to go on outings with you and your new love interest or stay overnight with you if he/she will also be there. Let them get used to the divorce before you add another stress element.

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