by Katherine Barnfield

Created on: April 27, 2008

Dear John,

Thank you so much for your letter telling me how much you still love me, and for your offer of a meal. It is flattering to hear you still fancy' me. But I have to say no.

As I know your enormous ego will find this difficult to understand, here are my reasons why. If nothing else, I can hope you will take a hint or too about how not to treat another girl.

Firstly, as far as I recall, your idea of a meal out generally meant burger and fries, and, if I was really lucky, a hot apple pie. When I said I wanted to go somewhere with candles on the table, it was not an appropriate response to ask if there had been a power cut.

Stealing flowers from next doors' garden when you are feeling guilty is not the ideal romantic gesture.

The last time you offered to take me out, it cost me not only the price of the food and a LOT of drinks (you 'forgot' your wallet) but I also had to pay the fine for the taxi you threw up all over on the way home. Offering me 'shex' at this point was not your best move. I never found men to be at their most attractive when incapable of standing up and covered in vomit.

If you get up to go to the toilet in the night, you should really try to find the bathroom. The reason I didn't believe you when you blamed the dog for peeing in the wardrobe is simple. I don't have a dog. The thing with four legs and fur that hisses at you is a cat.

I know we all pass wind from time to time, but I would prefer not to go out with someone to whom it appears to be his sole hobby. On the subject of hobbies, playing darts in the pub does not make you a sportsman, and glancing at page three does not make you interested in current affairs.
(Unless of course, the affair you were referring to was the one you had with my best friend's daughter, or the neighbor, or the blonde barmaid you said was your little sister)

When I said I would like to see a show, lap dancing in a seedy hall was not quite what I had in mind.

I hear the girl you left me for has dumped you. How flattering that you have come crawling back to me the following day! But as you are now used to dating someone with the intellect of the average toddler, I fear you may find my conversation a bit too demanding. I think you should look elsewhere.

So no, I will not go out with you this weekend. But thanks for letting me know how miserable you are. It gave me the best laugh I have had in weeks.

XXX

Learn more about this author, Katherine Barnfield.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.