by Bob Wainwright

Created on: April 27, 2008   Last Updated: June 03, 2008

Let's face it, in our "throwaway" society, divorce has become endemic. Now the principle members of a once harmonious relationship transition into enemies where hate, insecurity, bitterness and resentment become commonplace. Even the most self assured adult is emotionally and physically traumatized by this situation. But, it is the children that suffer the deepest and the longest.

Irrespective of age, children thrive in an atmosphere of mutual respect, love, trust, protection and shelter. Conversely, they suffer dreadfully where now there's hate, insecurity, bitterness and resentment. In many instances, long after the adults have moved on with their lives, the children are unable to do so, or worse...may never be.

It is ironic, the parents who in other circumstances would actually lie down their lives to protect their children, now leave them twisting in the wind. Oftentimes parent's feelings of self survival and revenge overcome reason, ignoring its potential impact on the children. One or both become unable to understand that the children's love for both parents prevents them from taking sides or placing blame.

Children, proportionate to their age and level of understanding, are very aware of family dynamics, good and bad. Subsequently, parents must respond proportionally. In the case of divorce, an above average effort must be undertaken to assure children that they will be not be sacrificed, nor loved any the less, even if one of the parents will no longer be involved on a day to day basis, and the other, perhaps more otherwise occupied.

The parents, although apart, must display respect and regard for one another in the children's presence. There should never be a situation where one parent attempts to bias the child toward the other. One adult may have little affection for the other, but difficult as it may be, it must not be manifested in the children's presence. Be assured, they will learn of these things in their own time.

The parents must continue to monitor their children's progress as they would have done normally. Bearing in mind the situation, be ultra sensitive to changes in behavior, performance, attitude and unique personal characteristics, anything that may indicate something may not be right with the child. Aberrations in behavior must not be ignored, in fact, if anything, increased reassurance, displays of love, patience and understanding must become the rule. Take extra time with them; listen carefully to what they have to say, they may be screaming for help...albeit silently. Maintain established rules and expectations, as failure to do so may lead to undesired consequences.

Both parents have an obligation to continue to protect and nurture their children, to do so they must not allow their personal feelings to interfere. Children possess resiliency, and if they sense love, harmony and respect, and with the proper support, whether it be internally from the parents and extended family, or professionally, it will allow them to get through this troubling time. They have the right to be able to grow into a stable adulthood, forming their own relationships untroubled by the past.

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