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As a child of divorce, I know from experience that a family divided is difficult in the best of circumstances, especially for the children. It is the responsibility of the parents to make sure the children come away from the experience as unscathed as possible. Unfortunately, many parents are not able to keep the bitterness they feel for each other private and in turn, the children hear and see more than what they are able to handle.

Often parents get so caught up in their own hurt, anger, and resentment that they do not take the feelings of the child in to consideration, which can cause irreparable damage later in life to the child, as well as ruin the relationship between child and parent.

Kids are vulnerable and impressionable, and they look up to their parents and mimic their actions. If the parents are fighting constantly, throwing insults back and forth to try to hurt each other, the kids are going to pick up on this and not only be hurt by it but also feel that it is okay to treat others in the same manner. Children will eventually form a false impression of one or both parents based on what is being said, and this impression can be impossible to reverse or change.

It is crucial that parents do everything possible to shield the children from the anger and mud slinging. Take it outside, do it when they are not home or when they are asleep. Do not let the kids see the fighting. Children are impressionable and tend to mimic the actions of their parents, and constant fighting can do nothing but set a poor example and set the stage for future disaster.

If for any reason the children do witness an argument, take them aside and tell them that you are sorry for doing it in front of them. Tell them it is not okay to treat others this way, and explain the reasons for your actions. Most importantly, explain that both parents love the child or children regardless of what is happening between them.

No matter how hard a parent tries, sometimes it is impossible to get through to a stubborn or fearful child. If a parent feels as if he/she is not getting through to the child, seek professional help. Let them know that there is someone they can talk to, even if they don't feel comfortable talking to mother or father.

Talking to the children is of the utmost importance. Don't shut them out and avoid their questions. Be honest. Lies will always be discovered eventually and cause the kids to lose respect and trust in one or both parents. If you are angry at your spouse, this is no reason to poison the mind of the children by spreading lies.

Most importantly, think of what the long term effects of the actions of the parents will have on the children. How much will the lies and the fighting now hurt them in the future? It's so easy to live in the anger and hurt of the moment and not think of the consequences, but the lives of our children are shaped by our actions, and it is our responsibility as parents to make sure we give them every possible opportunity to live a good life and have successful relationships. By having a child witness the ugliness of divorce, it greatly decreases their chances for future happiness.

Learn more about this author, Debbie N.
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