by Darrell E Phillips

Created on: April 26, 2008   Last Updated: June 03, 2008

One of the worst and most traumatic experiences that a child can face is the divorce of his or her parents. It finishes second place to only the death of a parent, and only by a nose.

Either way mom or dad is gone.

Helping children deal with divorce, is a formidable task, because the steps taken in the onset of this loss, will set the stage for how the child progresses through the various phases of acceptance. Sounds a bit clinical? It really is, but lets put aside all the technical jargon, and get to the heart of the matter...

Your child's heart.

Here's the deal: There is no way anyone can make this go away. There is a new normal in your child's life. You can pretend that it's for the best, and perhaps it is, if there was abuse in the relationship, or some other factor that made being together impossible.

But it is still a new normal for your son or daughter. Much of how you can help them, will depend on how they took it to begin with. The key is not trying to explain it away, or even justify it to your child. They don't care as much about the why the divorce occurred, they only know what they are feeling.

Believe it or not, children do not usually blame themselves. It happens sometimes, but this is probably the result of an upbringing that uses blame as a disciplinary tool anyway. So in reaching for comfort yourself, you may say to the child, "This isn't your fault." Instinctively they probably know this, and if it is brought up, it will be because you have let them know that this will give them attention leverage with you, which is actually exactly what they need.

So give it to them.

The bottom line is that your son or daughter wants it fixed. They want you back together. They want life back the way it was. Simple as that. So take a sincere look at the situation. Is there a possibility of working it out over time? Then be honest about it, and talk it over with your ex-spouse and child.

If not, then be honest about this too.

The key in a child dealing with a divorce is the one thing that they don't usually get, and this is "honesty." Be honest with them, and let them participate in this new normal.

Give them some control over their role. and truly allow them to make known their needs to both of you. Address these needs with current and do-able solutions. Do not, and I repeat, do not make promises that you cannot keep. They have lost your physical presence, do not create a greater dilemma taking their trust for you away as well.

If you are honest with your children about their future with regard to how their lives will be, and give them some control about how they want to participate, you will avoid many of the problems that divorced parents face as they try to navigate their way through how they perceive their child is dealing with the situation.

Honesty about your divorce, and inviting your child to participate in the decisions that will involve him or her, will be the most benefit to them, especially in the beginning stages.

Together, you will get through this.

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