by Roland McShane

Created on: April 26, 2008   Last Updated: June 03, 2008

Withdrawal, depression, acting out or over achieving what kind of child displays these behaviors? Children of divorced parents. What are some signs to watch for in these children and how can you help them?

Withdrawal and need for security

Children of divorced parents long for security. Some will socially and emotionally withdraw. Perhaps the child stops playing with their friends or prefer to spend time alone than with family. By withdrawing, they believe that they are at less risk of hurt. Further, by withdrawing they feel control over whom and what has an impact on them.

It is important that children know that though their parents are no longer together, they will be safe. Even as the family is in upheaval, try to maintain familiar routines to help the child feel secure. The extended family has an important role in helping children of divorce feel secure. Family relationships which are free from a sense of competition or denigration of the "other" parent can help the children feel secure and keep connected.

Depression

More severe feelings of abandonment, compounded by self-imposed withdrawal can lead to depression. In teens, thoughts of escaping the pain of depression do not mean they are in danger of committing suicide. However parents, attentive teachers or ministers, and friends should be aware of this tendency in children of divorce. If the child indicates by word or action that they have had recurring thoughts of suicide and especially if they have developed a plan, intervention is necessary. Contact a qualified counselor or suicide prevention organization immediately.

Acting out

Prior to the divorce, boundaries were, at best, set by both parents; or they were established and enforced by only one of the parents. After the divorce, familiar boundaries of behavior are no longer valid and different behavioral boundaries emerge. The child learns, "Mom allows this; but Dad allows that." Every behavioral boundary is then challenged. Teachers often deal with children who are acting out because there is no clear consistent boundary set for them. These children need consistent boundaries and well-defined expectations of acceptable behavior. For some children, the changing of boundaries is a reason to act out.

Over-achieving

Some children of divorce appear to come through as apparent winners. These children do their best to satisfy everyone's expectations. In a desperate search for affirmation, they begin to excel - in academics or sports, for example. While these children of divorce appear to have come through the ordeal better than others, the underlying crisis may be more damaging long-term. These children need to understand that they are and will be loved unconditionally. The love and attention of each parent for the child should not be conditional on the child's good performance.

Over-eating, insomnia, or developing nervous habits are also symptoms of the emotional problems children of divorce experience. Having the support of both parents is essential in dealing with these problems. The fortunate child of divorce will have parents who realize that neither of them has divorced the child. Parents owe it to their children to deal with these problems in a unified, understanding manner. Depending on the physical symptoms, medical help may be necessary.

Children suffer when their parents divorce. They are often left to deal with the difficulties of the divorce of their parents with little support. By knowing how to recognize and respond, you can help a child remain a child while having to endure an adult-sized problem.

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