by A. Elizabeth Brown

Created on: April 26, 2008

I'm not necessarily normal. But then, I never claimed to be, so you can't sue me for false advertising.

My last job was one of those that inspired so many artistic outpourings, I was moved to begin to write a desktop calendar filled with idiotic one-liners. As with so many of my great ideas, this fell flat from lack of persistence, or creativity, or wit...I dunno...you decide.

Oh, one more disclaimer: I tend to lack most of those finer social sensibilities...so, be warned, I sometimes open my mouth about things most people pretend to ignore, and rightly so. I should ignore them too, but I can't. For instance, in this last job, we had two bathrooms used by both males and females, smack in the center of our workspace. As our building was a converted warehouse (the business has since fared relatively well and relocated to more comfortable quarters, thank the Good Lord) there was a phenomena I call Negative Ventilation - meaning, not only was there no ventilation...the air was so oppressive that even minor, faint odors were magnified and blasted throughout the building with a violence such that environmentally-induced anorexia was the norm.

I digress.

Anywho...read on if you will, but remember: I tooooold you so.

The World According to Me:

Show me a man who can think with his heart, love with his soul, and process information from numerous sources simultaneously and efficiently under chaotic circumstances virtually free of error, and I'll show you a man who needs Midol.

To err is human. To err, without making it look like you erred, and to get someone else to apologize for it as if it were actually their err, is a course we'll all get in line for.

Moderation is for suckers.

God grant me the wisdom to avoid rehashing this done-to-death proverb.

Sanity is not an option.

The thrill of the chase is less than or equal to the agony after you catch them.

There is no greater shame than:
A bathroom door left accidentally unlocked
A bad case of the trots at work
An unfortunate visit from the attractive subordinate who just downed a Big-Gulp
The equalizer of all mankind

It is not up to me to determine in which areas I excel
It is left to my boss to determine what to repress, to undervalue and to warp, what to misrepresent or to refuse to reflect of my true abilities, keeping me honest, hardworking and essentially starving, thus ensuring a brighter future for all.

In today's business world, a handicap is to say, "Let me think about that."

It's not what you say that counts
It's whether you can say it with a Latino Acciente
Yi! Yi! Yi!

"Manipulating public opinion is the solemn duty of the genetically superior"-Mr. Peanut

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