by Simon Temprell

Created on: April 26, 2008   Last Updated: April 30, 2008

If your home decoration is a religious experience then the coffee table has to be the altar. No other piece of furniture in your living room illustrates to your guests just what kind of person you are, and it's not just the coffee table itself it is the objects residing there that tell the story. I honestly think that if I saw a photograph of a coffee table and the items placed upon it that I could describe with a decent amount of accuracy just what kind of person owns it. A coffee table isn't quite as intimate as a bedside drawer when it comes to revealing secrets about the occupants of the house but it has more subtle ways of disclosing a few home truths'.

To illustrate my point I would like to categorize four different lifestyles and use my coffee table theory as a demographic indicator. And the main point of this seemingly trivial exercise is to prove to you that your coffee table is as indiscrete as your best friend after a couple of martinis!

The Architect: A simple glass-topped coffee table with angular lines and a steel framework. There are three objects on this table: An oversized book of black and white pictures taken by an obscure and slightly controversial photographer who became famous after he died a tragic death: A huge flat dish made from stainless steel upon which resides three moss-encrusted balls about the size of grapefruit: A clear glass vase filled with twigs or Lucky bamboo' reaching five feet or more in to the air.

The Traditionalist: A modestly sized Chippendale or Queen Anne style coffee table in mahogany (of course) with an inset glass top to protect the delicate wood beneath. Upon this delicately crafted table there are three leather-bound notebooks with marbled endpapers, unopened since they were purchased in Venice. Alongside the notebooks there is a cut-glass vase with fresh roses and baby's breath and a porcelain bowl filled with dried lavender.

The Bohemian: One of those strange coffee tables by Mackenzie Childs decorated with bits of broken pottery and glass marbles. On the table (fighting for recognition amidst the craziness of the design) there is an antique Mexican cross on a wooden stand over which a beaded rosary has been draped. Four perfumed sachets made from silk and tied together with ribbon sit cosily beside a ceramic phrenology head upon which someone has plonked a miniature straw hat decorated with daisies.

The Slob: A coffee table of indeterminate style but probably barely visible beneath a mound of newspapers, magazines and pizza boxes. Decorative accents include a condiment holder for ketchup, mustard and pickles and an overflowing ashtray with cherry pits buried deep in the cigarette ash. A copy of the TV Guide is an absolute essential item on this table as well as several remote controls and a Glade perfumed candle that burnt out on Christmas Eve 2002.

OK, so I'm having fun with this idea but you have to admit that there is something to be said for the revealing properties of the coffee table and it's accompaniments. And if you're curious about the coffee table in my living room then derive what you will from the following details: An antique Moroccan door panel made in to a 48" square table, a roughly-hewn Native American bowl filled with painted gourds and two fat wooden candlesticks replete with candles.

Maybe I should have created a fifth category entitled The Decorator?

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