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In most instances, divorce is a heart wrenching and painful experience; especially for children. They're often confused by the situation, and need help learning to cope with the profound changes that occur in their life. Adding to this confusion is the battle that sometimes rages on between the parents and the inevitable lifestyle changes the family must adjust too now that Mom and Dad no longer live under the same roof.

What follows are a few do's and don'ts that may assist you in helping your children cope with a divorce.

Reassure your children it's not their fault
Most marriages end due to conflicts over money and differences of opinion on child rearing. As much as you may think your children didn't overhear or understand the content of your disagreements; they probably did. Because of this, they may come to believe the divorce is somehow their fault. Reassure them they are in no way the cause of the separation.

Don't keep your children from the absent parent
It's important for both parents to rally together, in spite of the divorce, and reassure the children you'll both remain an active part of their lives. Continue to be active in your children's lives, if you are the absent parent, and if you are the present parent, put forth every effort to foster a continuing relationship between your children and your ex-spouse.

Leave the bitterness behind closed doors
Divorce can be wrought with bad feelings between you and your ex-spouse. Because of this, it's very easy to engage each other in negative interchange; many times in the presence of your children. Bickering and arguing within earshot of the children will only add to their unrest. It's irrelevant too them who is to blame for the divorce. Additionally, refrain from speaking badly about your ex-spouse, and never allow others to do so, in the presence of your children.

Acknowledge their fear; then lay it to rest
Often times, children become concerned about what life will be like after a divorce. Will they still go to the same school? Will they see their friends and family as much as they did before? Will they live in the same house? You may already know the answers to these questions, but it's important to provide a platform on which your children can voice their concerns; no matter what they are. Reassure your child that most things will remain the same.

Validate your children's feelings
Children of divorce need to experience the grieving process just as their parents do. Their emotions can range from anger and denial to sadness and guilt. Reassure your children that what they feel is OK, and give them plenty of time to work through it. This may require focusing more on their grieving process than yours, but it's extremely important.

Ask for help
If you feel your child isn't adapting to the new arrangements, and you're struggling with how to help them, seek the guidance of a trained professional. There's no shame in it. Seeking the help of someone who isn't directly tied to the situation can be your best resource.

Divorce is traumatic in all senses of the word. Even more so to an innocent child who neither caused the situation nor asked it. Do your best to provide a secure and consistent environment, and keep yourself both physically and mentally healthy.

Look to your children to rate the success of all your efforts. If they're smiling back, and seem to be adjusting; you're on the right road.

Learn more about this author, Cyndi Li.
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