Since I'm fifty, I suppose you could say I'm middle aged. Well, okay. So I'm actually fifty-one and will soon be fifty-two, but that's neither here nor there in my point of view. You see, I believe that being middle aged is a frame of mind that depends upon what age you plan to be an old lady and/or die. How could I be middle aged at fifty-two if I die when I'm eighty-five? Some people claim to be middle aged on the last day of their lives.
The point, I believe is that we human beings need to be identified, so we make up names to describe our lives at various times, so what it means to be middle aged will most likely be different for me than it is for you. That's why I choose to say that although I'm middle aged today, I'm also a wise, old lady. The reasons include but are not excluded to these times I survived in my life.
1. Birth to Eighteen: A Dramatic Child
It all began so well. I was born within the baby-boom era which meant for me that I'd have lots of friends, and I did, but my childhood went by so quickly that I hardly noticed it. You see, I was as dramatic as any child could be and spent my entire childhood pretending to be a grown adult. I'd play like i was a mommy and a wife so often that I believe I unintentionally used the law of attraction to attract that role to me long before I had time to simply be a child. By the time I was a teen, my pretending changed to a fantasy land where I actually believed that I'd be a very wealthy princess if only I could find a Prince Charming in my life.
2. Eighteen to Twenty: A Child Bride
I got married at the age of eighteen, so I guess you could say that I was a child bride. It simply seemed so romantic that I finally found Prince Charming and by marrying him, I could live in a castle by the sea. The problem with my childish fantasy is the fact that the boy who proposed to me, on bended knee, would never be Prince Charming, by any means, and our castle turned out to be an efficiency apartment down the street from my parent's house. Soon after that, baby number one came along, followed by baby two and then, baby three.
3. Twenty to Forty: A Married Single Parent (A very long time of my life)
The not so charming Prince Charming played golf all day every day of our married life, so I became a golf widow by the age of twenty and since I was married to an invisible man or one who seemed that he might as well have been dead, I had to survive single parenting.
I survived all that time and even the fact that my three babies became insane teens long before I'd be mature enough to deal with the insanity of parenting the insanity. Luckily, I and my teens survived my role as the sole parent in our home, but my marriage didn't. I filed for divorce one day while he remained at the golf course, of course. It seemed like a good idea at the time, and besides, I'd been waiting for a very long time to have some fun in my life.
4. Forty to Forty-Four: An Independent Victim
In spite of my high hopes of having fun by the time I turned forty-one, I found myself in bankruptcy court soon after the bitter divorce, which I blamed on my ex-husband of course. It wasn't exactly fun, but I can't say my bitterness set in right then. The truth is I'd been bitter for a very long time by then. If I had a dime for every time I cried, "Life is not fair," I'd be too rich to care. Instead, my bitterness poisoned me and I ended up with a dreaded disease which might have cost my life if I hadn't survived the bitterness which was released through the disease. That's why I can say today that I remain cancer free. I don't know why I always survive, but when chemotherapy threw me into an instantaneous menopause, it seemed to me that death would be better than surviving life.
I lived on borrowed time for a while as an independent victim until I realized to my surprise that I was fifty and still alive. When the awakening came, it seemed that my insight came too late when I suddenly lost my sight. Yes, it might be hard to believe, but it's true. I became legally blind over night, and no one could tell me why. It was early September and I recall that fact vividly in my mind. You see, I'd been a teacher for a very long time and early September is not a good time for a teacher to suddenly become legally blind. As a matter of fact, I'd taught life skills to the disabled, only to become one of them before I reached mid-life.
Forty-four to Fifty-one: A New Identity
I don't know why, but going blind was the last thing I ever dreamed I'd need to survive. It wasn't easy by any means. I could no longer drive or read or teach, so I retired on disability and changed my role from a cancer survivor to a visually impaired, disabled teacher on an early retirement which might have been fun at that time of life if it hadn't been for the fact that I could no longer drive to go anywhere or do anything with my invisible time. Needless to say, I felt lost and alone in the Twilight Zone, even though I found a new man and got married again. It was hard to believe that he'd actually marry me. My baggage would be pretty heavy it seemed to me, but he changed my name and identity very willingly.
I believed that he was simply a saint, or a martyr who chose to sacrifice his life to take care of mine, and the legally blind, disabled human being I came to be. It seemed so noble of him, but then again, the only soul who attached that role to him was me. He didn't seem to see me as a victim, but identified my life through wiser eyes than mine.
The rude awakening came one day when my new and improved husband said something to me that left me pondering the meaning of my life. It happened one night when I realized that I'd need to find the bathroom in a very dark room. Trying to keep from awakening my hero, I got out of bed and crept through the room. As blind as a bat as I believed myself to be, it never occurred to me there would be any other way to find the toilet seat other than to feel my way blindly. I was doing fine for a time until I smacked my face into the bathroom door. I had no clue the door was closed, so it was like hitting a brick wall. I shouted out, "OUCH," which awakened my man. He sat up in bed and said, "What's wrong? Are you okay?"
"No," I sobbed! " I'm not okay! The bathroom door hit me in the face, and by the way, I'M SICK AND TIRED OF BEING BLIND," I cried.
About that time, my husband got out of bed and said, "Everyone is blind in the dark, so if you want to see where you're going, why don't you try turning on the light?"
FIFTY-ONE AND SOON TO BE FIFTY-TWO: A TIME TO SEE THE LIGHT:
Soon after that day I began to ponder the meaning of my life. It seemed to me that enigmatic things happened to me all the time, but the strangest thing seemed to be how long it took me to finally see the light. There I sat, looking through the view of a mother of three independent victim and a survivor of a deadly disease, bankrupt and retired teacher on disability, blind as a bat and having a hot flash, when God seemed to say to me, "If you want to see the light, look for the gifts in life."
THE AWAKENING OF ME:
Today, I can honestly say that I've arrived as a middle aged, happy human being who is finally free to be me for the first time in my life. I can also say that I can see clearly, because you see, I'm only blind, legally. I'm labeled as disabled, but being visually impaired has given me opportunities I'd not have seen if I hadn't lost my eye sight. Sometimes life can bring one distracting thing after another which keeps us from seeing the reality that it's we who create our roles and identity.
I honestly believe that I lost my sight to gain some insight in my life, and ironically, being labeled as disabled has given me the ability to be the best that I can be at mid-life. Do you realize that I still have half my life to do as I please? I am finally free to be me!
THE KEYS TO BEING HAPPILY MIDDLE AGED:
I suppose that I could say today that I've become wise in my old age, but since I am technically only middle aged, I'll share the tips on how you too can deal with it.
1. Find an attitude of gratitude inside of you. Doing so will help you see the reality of what all those times you've already survived gave to you. The gifts with your experience have paved the way to a new and improved identity for you by the time you arrive at mid-life.
2. Remember that age is a frame of mind and that's probably why I feel younger today than I did at twenty-five. Remember this as well: Since we live eternally through God's view of reality, we have all the time we need to become what God intends us to be. Don't panic or be surprised by having to say you're fifty, even if you are actually fifty-one and will soon be fifty-two. Age has nothing to do with the being inside of you. We can be forever young, if we choose.
3. It's never too late to be wild and free. At the mid-life time of life and with an empty nest, you can have fun with the rest. You are free to choose who you want to be and what you want to do in your new and improved reality. At middle age and with fewer responsibilities, the possibilities are even more endless than they were in your youthful days.
4. Be wise this time and don't allow a number to identify you. You don't have to be anything you don't want to be, and besides, you've paid your dues in life. All you need to do every day is pray and say, "Thanks for giving me this opportunity to live the rest of my days the way you intended for me from the beginning, abundantly blessed and free of stress."
5. Don't look at the past or try to see the future. Be blind like me and look at those times through a faded view of semi-reality. The past doesn't last and the future is yet to be, so just be in the present moment and try to see, very clearly, the gifts that have been there all along, along with the gifts that have arrived just in the nick of time. Remember it's true. Hard times in life can be a blessing in disguise, intended to give you a new and improved vision for mid-life.
To Conclude:
Don't get me wrong. I don't claim to know it all, but it's nice to know that I still have half my life to learn and grow.
Hopefully, you won't need to survive so many things in order to see the light and understand what it means to be middle aged. It all depends on your frame of mind and your insight when it comes to life. You see, if I can see the light at mid-life, it must be true that you can too. So please, don't think of being middle aged with doom and gloom. It could possibly be that you're exactly where you wanted to be all along. You've earned your wings, like me, and you're finally free to be you, like I'm finally free to be me.
By the way, next week my new and improved husband and I are going to Cabo San Lucas where we intend to be wild and free for at least a week. After that, I intend to spend my time, abundantly blessed for the rest of my life and that's why I say today that I'll take being middle-aged any day.