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CURE FOR AIDS FOUND AT LAST

The Centre for African Communicable Conditions (CACC) has informed us that they have at last applied for licensing for the result of several years of research in their laboratories in Nigeria.

The product, which they suggest be named after our inveterate health ministress who has spent so much time and effort showing her concern for this dreadful pandemic, will be marketed as MANTO'S ELIXIR.

According to trials conducted through the good offices of the Journal of Central African Sexually Transmitted Diseases (JoCASTDS) and recently published in the Book of Native Remedial Services (BoNERS), the elixir consists of the estolate of sheep's excrement, vital parts of a rare central African snake, and the distillate of old women's toenails. One dose of 7 litres is taken on a full stomach at bedtime and the patient is advised to sleep outside or on a good rubber sheet because the effects of the potion begin to be felt after about three hours.

In clinical trials conducted in the central African republic of Chad, three hundred and seventy one chimpanzees were treated with the mixture; after a period of twenty-four hours 80% of these were cured of any and all diseases found present at a previous testing and the remaining 20% were cured within two days. However, all the chimpanzees were dead within one week and it is not known whether their demise can be contributed to the medication or some other unknown cause.

However, when approached for comment by this newspaper, the Department of Health expressed considerable satisfaction with the results, noting that one way or another, all AIDS sufferers would be speedily dispatched, thus saving this and many other governments a considerable amount of money over the next five years.

It was proposed by the Department of Finance (Parliament) that some of this money be allocated to the purchase of private jets for all senior ministers and helicopters for their assistants, thus saving the commercial airlines considerably in terms of seating allocations for their extended shopping trips around the world.

The President refused to comment except to say that he was aware right from the start that HIV and AIDS was just one more excuse the unions had invented to increase the numbers of people receiving state grants.

Report compiled by the Central African Study of Terms in the Rural African Territorial Enclave (CASTRATE).

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