by Theresa O'Riordan

Created on: April 26, 2008

Out of all the people with addictive personalities and obsessions, Pet People are, hands down, the most annoying.

Pet People - those whose lives revolve around their cat, dog, hamster, snake, whatever, are really completely shameless, and have no problem exposing their condition to each casual acquaintance or fellow subway-rider they might come across.

Here is how to know if you are a Pet Person.

1.) I'm going to address small dogs here.
Your dog has more sweaters than you do. If Pixie or Princess has a studded collar (studded with ANYTHING will do), a sweater for every day of the week and slippers to keep his or her feet warm, inside the house, during the winter months (these do exist), you may, perhaps, be obsessed with your dog. No matter what the topic of discussion, or - worse - when other people are discussing their kids, you take center stage with your weekly summary of Memorable Events. Cute facial expressions, a particularly loud yapping reaction to a person he or she knows, how many dogs he or she met at the park, where she gets her hair done.

You call every day from work on your break to talk to the dog. Or, if your spouse at home has the issue, he or she demands you speak to the dog over the phone. "Why didn't you call at lunch like usual?" "Oh, sorry honey, I was in a meeting that ran overtime." "Well, I just hope you've explained that to Sparkles, you know how worried she gets."

Let me just interject here that larger dogs are not so much a problem. People become obsessed with "toy" breeds because they fit conveniently into their handbag (which matches their shoes, naturally), and can serve as an accessory for everything....Pomeranians are the new black.

You bring your dog into coffee-shops, department stores, doctor's offices...essentially everywhere you need to go. God forbid Yippee should have to stay in the car for a few minutes while you run in to pick up your lunch at the sub shop. Yes, you, in your infinite wisdom, know that dogs are allowed everywhere people are - even if it threatens the establishment's health code. After all, "no shoes, no shirt, no service" on the door is no deterrent; it certainly doesn't apply to Fluffster, because she HAS both a sweater and doggy slippers on.

2.)We all know the standard stereotypes surrounding Cat People. These people are typically described as having too many of them and letting them have free reign over the house.

Cats are less high maintenance than most dogs, so they basically do their own thing. But they do it everywhere. If you need to do paperwork, they are sleeping on it right now, you need to come back later. If you type on the computer, they come sit on it - you should be petting them instead - what is this strange behavior you're exhibiting? If get up from your now-warm part of the couch you've been sitting on watching a movie, they take over and hog your spot: If it's so great, why, aren't they (by virtue of their pharaoh-like status and mystique) entitled to the best seat in the house? If you're on the phone, they repeatedly thwart your efforts by stepping all over the receiver and generally making a nuisance of themselves. They used to wap the phone cord repeatedly with their paws - that's why we now have cordless phones.

The cats soon take hold of your life outside the house as well. They penetrate deep into the hidden recesses of your mind, and when you least expect it - you're possessed, showing kitty pictures over email at work, sharing anecdotes in the break room, and chasing people around the cubicle-maze to show them your latest cat pictures saved on your cellphone.

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