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Tips for helping children deal with divorce.

Going through divorce is traumatic enough for the husband and wife, but the children are the real victims. I am saddened when I remember how each of our four children responded when our marriage finally ground to a halt.

Mary tended to take sides as a way of protecting herself. Peter blamed himself for the breakdown. He lashed out at all and sundry, subconsciously trying to cover-up his feelings of guilt.

Bethany was the peacemaker. She felt it was her responsibility to keep her parents together. What an overwhelming burden for a twelve-year-old to bear! And finally the baby' of the family, Daniel, became the perpetual nomad, obviously believing that by never keeping to a fixed address he could escape the pain of his childhood home.

How do we help our children deal with divorce? It's not easy, but I've included a few practical tips that may help.

Be honest with your children. Answer their spoken questions and anticipate others. Trying to protect them through silence will only extend the pain. Facing reality will speed the recovery process.

Give them the opportunity to express their feelings by encouraging open communication. Allow the anger and pain to come out so that the wounds can start to heal.

Keep reassuring them that you love them and be diligent with showing them both verbal and physical affection. Let them know that no matter what has happened, and will happen, they will be unconditionally loved, accepted and nurtured.

Affirm that the divorce belongs to the parents, not the children. It is not their fault. It is a grown-up problem.

Don't be fooled by the child who acts as though he doesn't care. This is a protective mechanism. Encourage him to talk. Don't get too personal to begin with. Try asking him in general terms how children feel when their parents divorce.

Your child may insist he hates the absent parent. This arises from a deep sense of loss and rejection. Allow your child to express his negative feelings. The hated' parent should then stress to the child that leaving home has in no way changed his/her love for that child.

Don't criticize the other party to your children, no matter how tempting this may be! This will only make them feel more confused and insecure. They should never be placed in the position of having to choose the love of one parent over the other.

Low self-esteem seems to plague many children of divorce. Boost their sense of worth by helping them recognize their individual talents and abilities. Praise their accomplishments. Provide unconditional love and acceptance. Give them the opportunity to develop healthy relationships with their peers.

Remember that although divorce is never desirable, there are many cases where the only recourse is to live separately. Children can become extremely disturbed by the sight of physical violence or the sound of constantly angry voices. Divorce can offer them the chance to heal.

Finally, it is good to know that the trauma of divorce need not go on forever. There are many very happily remarried blended families who have dealt with the problems within their former relationships and gone on to have an extremely rewarding life together.

Learn more about this author, Ann Johnstone.
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