by Richard Carriero

Created on: April 26, 2008   Last Updated: June 03, 2008

For a child, especially in the first few years of life, the family unit is everything. The world is a large, fascinating and sometimes scary place. Parents provide the knowledge and guidance necessary for children to make sense of it all. Most importantly, however, parents provide a sense of security-a sense that all will be well. Divorce is so traumatic for a child because his parents are the center of his universe. The central concept in a child's world-view is that his parents love him and love each other. When the latter part of this concept is proven false, it introduces an overwhelming sense of anxiety into a child's mind. Children, more often than not, suffer emotional repercussions from a divorce. Sensitivity to just how big a change divorce can be for a child is most important in helping a son or daughter cope with divorce. Here are some other tips that can help a child deal with divorce.

1. Respect a child's divided loyalties. Regardless of how acrimonious your divorce might be, recognize that your children love BOTH their mother AND father. Respect the fact that just because your love for your ex may have died doesn't mean your children don't still feel a great deal of love-and loyalty-toward the other parent. As a consequence you shouldn't badmouth your ex in front of your children-ever. If you decide to remarry, you should also make it clear that no one is going to replace your child's mother or father.
2. Don't do everything yourself. When you get a divorce, you should tell your child's school teacher, babysitter and anyone else who spends a lot of time with him or her that they should be on the look out for signs of emotional distress. Children will often express their inner turmoil through writing, drawing or bad behavior. These are symptoms that your child is a normal human being coping with a large emotional trauma. Don't be afraid to seek the advice and assistance of a child psychologist.
3. Insist on visitation. Unless you have reason to believe that your ex is a danger to your child, you should not bar periodic access via telephone and visitation. Supervised visits can be very difficult for ex-spouses but realize that your child needs to feel that his mother or father hasn't gone away for ever, just that he or she lives somewhere else now.

Children never really get over a divorce. From this point onward, family functions-graduations and weddings-are going to be awkward. You have to put your child ahead of your own feelings and to that end, you should above all try to maintain at least a civil relationship with your ex. With understanding, support and love, your child can readjust to a world in which his mommy and daddy are not together.

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