by April J.

Created on: April 26, 2008   Last Updated: June 03, 2008

Breakups are a difficult part of life for all of us who experience them, but a breakup where children are involved comes with its own special set of concerns. The divorce of a child's parents is by all means a life-changing event, but it is also one that children are very capable of experiencing in a way that allows them to remain emotionally healthy and well-adjusted. In this article I will provide some advice for parents going through this difficult time on how to help their children deal with it effectively.

As tempting as it may be not to discuss anything with children in an attempt to protect them from adult concerns, avoiding a discussion of the issue is not the best approach. Children are very observant and communicating with them during this time is crucial. Specifically, it is very important to reassure them that the problems between the two parents are in no way the fault of the child. A child's faultlessness may seem obvious to an adult but to children it is not. Young people have a tendency to attribute many events in their world to their actions, and if there is any doubt left, children will wonder whether they are in some way to blame. Kids can be very creative in this area, and will come up with ideas such as "maybe if I'd behaved better they would have been in better moods and not fought..." Parents must emphasize enough that the problem is between the two of them and that the child is in no way responsible.

Laying blame must be avoided at all costs. A good way to approach this is to explain that sometimes relationships do not work out but that does not mean that anyone involved is a bad person. Sometimes people fall out of love, or change to become incompatible, and this is a risk that we take each time we start a relationship. Avoid any discussion of blame and emphasize positive points such as pride at having raised wonderful children together, and positive feelings of friendship. Make it clear that, although some things will change, both parents will remain in the child's life in a positive role. In this chaotic and confusing time, the child will be feeling a yearning for stability and a need to know what is going to happen next.

Complex questions of loyalty can come into play, and a child may feel conflicting loyalties and even internal pressure to "choose a side". It is crucial that parents present a united front and an amicable one at that. Placing children in the middle of an ugly divorce and vying for their loyalty is cruel and will be harmful. Focus on presenting an example of a healthy breakup.

Lastly, always be available for your child to talk to during this time. Children are extremely adaptable, and with reassurance and a positive example, they can come through parents' divorce as healthy and well-adjusted individuals.

Learn more about this author, April J..
Click here to send this author comments or questions.