by Branavan Ganesan

Created on: April 25, 2008   Last Updated: June 03, 2008

Are you recently divorced or considering it? Do you have children from the marriage? If so, it is imperative that you consider them through the whole process. Research shows that acrimonious separations are as traumatic as post divorce estrangement.

Here are some key things to consider:

WORKING THROUGH SEPARATION ARRANGEMENTS

Present a united front when speaking to the children about the decision to separate. This can no doubt be hard. However, a very common reaction amongst children of separating parents is that it is their fault, that they are unlovable. This often leads to a lack of self esteem that can have both short and long term effects. Both parents assuring them this is not the case will help greatly.

Try to work out time with both parents. Losing full access to one parent can be traumatic. When the children are less than five they do not yet have the ability to establish continuity, so consider short times with each parents (there are those that work out one day each or two day agreements with each parent).

POST SEPARATION AND DIVORCE

Establish continuity in the child's life. Send favorite toys back and forth so it's a constant. Have weekly rituals that do not change. This reduces the feeling of being in limbo.

Never use the child to get at your spouse. When the child feels like s/he is in the middle of an argument between mom and dad, they internalize it and feel they are to blame. When they hear a parent criticizing the other one it erodes the credibility of both adults. This can also have potential long term psychological effects.

Do not interrogate your child on life with your ex-partner. The child begins to feel like a spy, and will distance him or herself from you. A harder thing is to not react when the child volunteers information about things that happened at the 'other house'. Many times this can be hard. Here again, if the child feels mom is upset that she had fun with dad, it will reduce her morale. Not being able to communicate with parents can cause the child to withdraw and isolate.

Agree as much as possible on common rules. This is often hard. However, it has been shown that if both parents have similar expectations about homework being done before TV, then the child ends up appreciating the consistency.

Pay attention to them but also maintain rules. While the child may initially enjoy not having structure or getting away with things, it leads to anxiety very quickly. While they may rebel, they expect the parents to provide guidance. Many parents relax rules because of guilt around the divorce. If these feelings exist, consult a counselor and work on ways to communicate effectively with your child around these issues.

Most importantly, shower them with love. Children are sad that their parents are not together. If both parents make it clear that they love the child with all their heart, it makes accepting the divorce much easier.

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