by Northsage

Created on: April 25, 2008

Two days ago, I saw this year's first snake. Since Marilyn's grandbrat DJ. was standing nearby, I put the serpent, "under arrest!" I held the little garter snake up and called to D.J., letting him know that I had something really neat to show him. He never misses an opportunity like that!

I held the foot long snake by the head and in a twinkling, D.J. came running over and asked me if I was holding it like that, because it might bite me, I told him that this particular snake, and I had become pretty close friends. It would NEVER bite me! With those words, I slid my fingers backwards, exposing half of a snake length worth of skin, a significant percentage of my tender and tasty BODY(!) to the fangs of the deadly saber-toothed garter snake! D.J. gasped and I could tell that he was trying to think of the best way to quickly tell me that he should have been MUCH nicer to me, back when I used to be alive.That was an extremely temporary situation. I heard him mumble words to that effect, over his shoulder as he put another fifteen feet between, my venomous murderer and himself.

When the poor snake bit me, it died! At least that is what I told the astonished countenance of a newly converted, and humble follower of the "Sage of the North." You cannot tell if a snake is really dead, or just immobile, making plans to attack. It isn't like their tiny little eyes can close like all of us NON-serpents, when that "Big Lawn Mower in the Sky" comes to take them away. Playing my part to the hilt, I told this innocent child that I was just about to restore my stiff, scaly friend to life. He could not resist witnessing a miracle, so D.J. leaned up close to the dead snake and as I waved my hand over the decedent, a forked tongue speared out of the recently dead serpent's mouth! D.J. had just witnessed his miracle and he generously offered to make a human sacrifice of his beloved sister, Ivy, in my honor.

As tempting as his offer was, I have always taught the kids, " If you don't intend to eat it, don't kill it! Ivy is extremely spoiled and I don't need any better reason than that, to avoid having to make sudden dietary changes, especially ones that include "Spoiled Brat, du jour." Maybe "brat" is an acquired taste, and I just never acquired it. That is the story I am going with.

Getting back to "Gertie the Garter," D.J. eventually consented to let Gertie wrap her dry and powerful, spine-snapping tail around his little finger and laughed nervously at the sensation. He saw that I was about to release my little limbless captive, so he implored me to delay putting her back down in the grass, just yet. He wanted to show Gertie to Marilyn and tell her about how I resurrected her. I informed him that if he was NOT feeling suicidal and EVER intended to see nine years of age, he had better NEVER show his extremely blond grandmother a snake! She would immediately lose any trace of residual skin color and wind up looking like Edgar Winter, after having his guitar short out, zapping him.

D.J. appeared to be considering showing Gertie to Marilyn just to see THAT, but I also told him that after Marilyn woke from her hysterically induced coma, she would certainly kill Gertie. He did not want to be responsible for that, so Gertie regained her freedom.

I had gained another disciple and escaped Marilyn's wrath, because she would certainly have blamed me for putting him up to it. A narrow escape for all three of us, Gertie, D.J. and me!

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